Ask Audrey: Where is a good place to get a sexy nun outfit for a former nun?

Last year was a new low - myself and Berna actually flew to London in November to get the latest glam for our Christmas shopping in Cork, but we weren’t five minutes in Brown Thomas when the culchie alarm went off, everyone outside onto St Patrick Street. 

Suddenly this one with unrealistic cheekbones starts pointing at Berna because the gobshite had put on her head-scarf like Nora Batty. 

Out came the phones and these city bitches went live on Instagram, offering a free cockapoo to anyone who could guess where we came from. 

My mother got wind of it and won the dog, but still. Anyway, I’m not going to be caught again, Audrey. 

I went into Krazy Kurls in Kanturk yesterday, showed them a photo of some influencer one from Douglas and said, make me look like her. 

I’m leaving Berna at home because she’s as gaff-prone as Manchester United. The only thing I’m worried about now is my gowl of a north Cork accent. 

How can I sound like someone from Douglas? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, how do you sound like someone from Douglas? She said, speak through your nose and tell people you basically live on the Rochestown Road.

C’mere, what’s the story with fooling your Mam-in-Law? 

My old doll is having fierce trouble with her mother. The mother has decided that it is time to go into an old person’s home which is a bit precious if you ask me because she’s still walking up Cathedral Road to bingo every Tuesday night. 

But look, they’re all very headstrong in that family as I know only too well, so there is nothing for it only to find her a home. We found her an absolutely ideal place, regular bingo and all. 

The only problem is it’s on the southside and the old doll’s mam is a dyed-in-the-wool Norrie, it’s a battle to get her to stop eating bodice for her breakfast. 

She won’t cross North Gate Bridge for a bit of shopping, never find heading southside to live out her days. 

Shower of scrubbed-up nob-ends she calls them, she do have a way with words in fairness. 

We’re trying to come up with a way to fool her into thinking she’s on the northside, but the woman is like a hawk and she’ll mangle us if we go anywhere near a bridge or a tunnel. 

How can I persuade her to put on blinkers, like the ones they use on racehorses? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

It’s very hard to get human beings to wear blinkers – unless you’re at one of those Fancy My Wife parties in Kinsale. (I know someone who can get you in.)

Hello there. 

I’m a widower on the Model Farm Road, my wife died four years ago and it’s a relief if I’m being honest with you , she spent an awful lot of time bitching about her sisters and I’d be the worst person in the world then if I didn’t agree with her. 

Anyway, I’m having a nice little slow-burn relationship with a former nun, she’s from Clonakilty but you can’t be picky at my age. 

It’s been long walks and holding hands up to now, she’s mad to get going on the physical front but I’m worried that I’ll struggle with an erection, because as I said she’s a former nun and I’m actually quite religious. 

When she offered to wear a sexy nun outfit in the boudoir, I said no thank you, God can see everything. 

But the more I thought about it, the more I realised that I have chosen this woman because she is a former nun, and yes, I would like her to wear the outfit, but tastefully obviously because as I mentioned earlier, I live on the Model Farm Road. 

I’ve been given the task of finding such an outfit, and I haven’t a notion where I could even begin. 

Where is a good place to get a sexy nun outfit for a former n un?

- Der, Model Farm Road

I can supply it from my online BDSM business – it’s called Master Of Nun.

My teenage daughter is driving me bonkers. She’s a vegan now, quelle surprise, but her main thing is berating myself and my husband for wrecking the planet and not buying her an apartment. 

I asked her what she’d like for Christmas and her reply was two grand in her Revolut account and a surprise, but it has to be sustainable. 

I googled sustainable Christmas presents there but didn’t see anything you could give a 15-year-old girl with acute entitlement issues. Do you have any ideas? 

- Clodagh, Waterfall Road.

My cousin is a Gifting Goddess according to her TikTok account. I messaged her there and said, what would you give a 15-year-old girl on the Waterfall Road? She said, my condolences, it must be awful really, her parents couldn’t even afford Outer Bishopstown.