Ask Audrey: Negotiations are well underway to see who gets Mammy for Christmas Day

She put one of her legendary two-month sex bans in place. "No way I’m going to let you go around like a pigeon fancier from Churchfield" were her exact words — she has a way of getting to the point.

We banned her from the group for two months for using the word ‘banger’ instead of heart attack — that’s a bit top deck of the 203 bus... not that any of us have even been up there.

But then didn’t my Ken arrive home this morning in some kind of a khaki outfit that made him look like a Norrie on safari. I said: "Why are all of ye going around in sportswear?" 

And he told me about an ad Roy Keane did for Adidas, and all the Kens went out and bought some because they crave affirmation from Roy.

It’s like a waking nightmare now on the Douglas Road, with the finest Kens of their generation mooching around in Roy Keane tribute jackets. What can I do to make My Ken stop wearing it?

- Jenni, Douglas Road

I had a similar problem when My Conor started wearing short shorts.

I said: "Take them off."

He said: "Yes — we’re going to have sex!"

I said: "Put them back on!"

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond,

Well, negotiations are well underway in my family to see who gets Mammy for Christmas Day. 

As you can imagine we’re all pretending that we want her to come to our place, because no one wants to admit that they’re a heartless bitch, but the truth is I’d rather get eaten by Nigel Farage on I’m a Celebrity than watch Mammy turning the season of goodwill into “the turkey is a bit tough Rosealeen from Ballydesmond and would it kill you to turn on the heat?” (It wouldn’t Mammy, but wouldn’t you be warmer at home?)

Anyway, my brother informed us he’s going to his wife’s home-place, the useless shit, so it’s a straight fight now between myself and the bitch of a sister above in Dublin. 

Mammy is on for Dublin because she wants to see her grandchildren but my sister is all 'ah no, we’ll come down to you for New Year'. That’s bitch-of-a-sister-speak for ‘one of the kids caught the plague so we’ll have to stay put, I’m devastated Mammy'.

Mammy is going to announce the result on WhatsApp this Sunday after the weather forecast on the Nine O’Clock News. Which way do you think it will go?

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My friend is a psychic — she’s known she would be from a very young age (when she heard what they earn, cash in hand).

I gave her the details and said: "Anything in your crystal ball?"

She started laughing and said: "No Audrey, sure it’s all just bullshit."

Ciao. Long time, no speak, Audrey. I am an Italian man living in Cork for six years now, I wrote regularly to you in the past to help me find Irish girlfriends — preferably more than one at a time. 

I stopped because I got married, but thankfully it didn’t work out and now I am back on the market.

The problem is that I am longer interested in sex. I will never forget the time I was on three dates on the same night in three different pubs. 

I’d be like 'hang on, I must do a message' to one of them and I’d duck out to meet another one. 

I managed to have sex with those three women that night — they put up a statue of me in my local village.

But now I am 32 and there are whole weekends that go by without any lovemaking and I don’t really mind, it’s nicer to stay at home and watch a movie or trade crypto-currencies. 

I find this depressing — being a sex addict was part of my identity, Irish people would say ‘There is Ciccio, he is like a dog with two mickeys'. Now it’s 'he made and lost €4 million on Bitcoin'.

Do you think my sex madness will come back?

- Ciccio, Ballincollig and Bologna.

I always find my libido comes back at the most unusual times. It nearly ruined my niece’s communion. #SexyPriest

I’m a retired doctor living on the Model Farm Road. My neighbour Barry, a lifelong friend, has just passed away and I’m thinking of making a move on his widow. She’s been giving me the eye for more than 40 years and now is surely the hour given that Barry is off the scene.

The only problem (other than my own wife) is this widow is a very religious person and keeps talking about her Barry looking down at her from heaven. How can I persuade her that he’s nothing more than a bowl of ashes up on her mantelpiece?

Name withheld, Model Farm Road

You’re thinking about this all wrong. Call over there now. Put a bit of Marvin Gaye on the stereo. Tell your one that Barry is up in heaven. And then tell her you can take her there. #LetsGetItOn