Ask Audrey: 'People are gone mad for nipples above in north Cork'

And there’s the problem because they aren’t. 

Orla_StylishLoafers set our group on fire this morning with a GIF of a monkey sobbing uncontrollably, followed by the sorry tale of how herself and her Ken were savouring a few sundowners in a small village near Cadiz when a couple sat at the next table, two teachers from Tipperary, the double whammy. 

Orla checked her travel insurance but there is no cover for ‘resort over-run by the lower middle classes’. 

It’s the same elsewhere – Fifi_SeaSwimmer is in a tiny village in Puglia (that’s in Italy, Audrey) with her tennis instructor, and didn’t she bump into her old teacher from school, embarrassing on so many levels, not least that the teacher lives in Bishopstown! 

Sorry now, but what’s the point in working our perfect butts off all year only to find a lowly teacher next to us with his nose in a Pornstar Martini? 

Could you organise a pay cut for public servants? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road.

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, do you think teachers are paid too much? She said, totally, sure all they are is au pairs with four  months' holidays and a pension. #Controversial

Hello dear. I live on a sublime terrace on the Blackrock Road, it’s mainly old people now, every time you see an ambulance outside a neighbour’s house, you check if your funeral rig-out needs a trip to the cleaners.  

Bernard next door finally popped his clogs last year and didn’t his house sell like a hot bun, 1.2 million, my children keep telling me I should try and die now at the top of the market, but I’m hanging on just to spite them! 

A lovely young couple moved in next door, Ken and Fiona, your man has the most amazing shoulders, I might be 94 but you never stop noticing these things. 

Now, the thing about our terrace is the walls are quite thin and 40 years ago it wasn’t unusual to hear Bernard and his wife at it like rabbits, of course she’s from Inishannon. 

But here’s the thing – I haven’t heard Ken and Fiona at it once in the last four months, and it isn’t for the want of listening. 

The last thing I want to do is stick my nose into their business, but I was wondering would it be a good idea if I popped next door with a Black Forest Gateaux and gave them a bit of marriage counselling? 

- Maureen, Sunday’s Well

Y ou could do that I suppose. But you’re 94 Maureen, so maybe go into town and get a hearing aid. Do you know what I mean?

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. People are gone mad for nipples above in north Cork. 

Berna’s niece was over from London last weekend, she’s a big wig in the fashion world – you wouldn’t know it by looking at her, she’s like something dragged backwards through a hedge. 

Anyway, the stuck-up cow couldn’t let a trip home pass without rubbing our ‘backward noses’ ( her words ) in it, so she put on a pop-up fashion show in the hall to show everyone that she’s great and we’re not. 

The whole town turned out, it’s not like there’s anything else to do, and next thing we know the boardwalk is awash with gorgeous models who could do with a bite to eat, and every last one of them wearing a bra with artificial nipples, fierce prominent . 

Berna’s niece said that’s very now in London, but try and tell that to the crowd over from Scartaglin, who have started referring to us as Ballynipples. It’s all very well for her, she’s back in London, but we’ll never live this down. 

How do we rescue the reputation of the town?

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

It’s very hard to turn these things around. I won’t go into the details, but ever since I started drinking, my home town has been called BallinLocked.

So, I’m 24/7 on 110% alert looking for new business opps, and myself and my man Bryan with a Y have hit on an all-time great. 

It’s all those towns we see underwater – I’m like, ‘Bryan with a Y, these places are crying out for Guided Kayak Tours led by Post Hipster Poster Boys, ya feelin’ me?’ 

He’s like, ‘that might be in bad taste, disaster tourism’ and I’m like, ‘not if we also deliver artisan pizza at a slightly reduced price Bryan with a Y’, and now he is totally all in. 

This is Uber for the climate change era, I’ m totally a shoo-in to score with the hot Croatian chick at Samba Band practice, she friend-zoned me in 2021, but that was never going to last . 

The only thing missing is a name for my new business. So would you run a competition in your publication to sort me out with a sick name?

- Ed, Ballintemple. (Sick means good.)

I have both a name and piece of advice, Ed. Can-oo Eff Off?