Ask Audrey: 'Roy Keane is the only one on that Beckham documentary to age gracefully'

Shauna_4Ever23 was basically live-streaming her response to the show, saying what she wouldn’t do to David Beckham, when Fifi_UpForAnything said the only thing she’d do is track down their Anti Ageing Guru because they’d never have anything as common as a plastic surgeon, that’s for people in Glanmire.

Flora_MoreThanYou said she didn’t think the Beckhams had any work done and then she got killed for being an eejit by Shaun, who said Posh Spice has had so much work done, David Beckham is basically on his second wife. 

I don’t know about that, but I made the mistake of saying that I really enjoyed Roy Keane on the show because he is the only one who had the self-confidence to let himself age gracefully. 

I got the mandatory six-week ban for saying anything negative about cosmetic surgery, Fifi accused me of sounding like some kind of hippy one you’d see in West Cork who looked like she’d been dragged backwards through a bush. 

I think I need new friends. Do you any nice people who don’t use cosmetic surgery?

— Jenni, Douglas Rd

I know one or two women middle-aged women who don’t use Botox. But I’d keep well clear there, it’s impossible to pull younger guys on a night out when your friend has Crow’s Feet.

I’m dating an intellectual after meeting him on an app called Brainy Sexy, he’s more the former but I like going for a spin in his Tesla, Roger is his name. 

Didn’t he whisk me over to Amsterdam for a weekend of art and culture? 

He told me that he’d been to see an exhibition by some lad called Vermeer six times already in a big museum over there, and he’d love me to go see it with him. 

Don’t ask me why you’d want to see a picture more than once, it’s not like it’s going to change, but Roger was picking up the tab, so I packed up the Samsonite and off we went. 

Lovely city Amsterdam, although things got a bit tense in the museum when Roger kept saying “It’s a painting, Rosealeen from Ballydesmond, not a picture”. 

Next thing we go for a stroll through the red light district, all these girls in their knickers, it was like Friday night in Kanturk. 

Suddenly, who do I see in a window but my best friend Berna, twerking in this dominatrix corset she bought online? 

She was always unpredictable but this is another level. I scuttled away before she could see me — do you think I should say something to her?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I do. Tell her stop buying dominatrix gear online. It fits in all the wrong places.

C’mere, what’s the story with “Hit The Diff”? 

Myself and Budgie were on the cans there a few weeks back and he said, what’s the one thing you’ve never done with a girl? I told him, in all my years I’ve never dated a culchie. Not even Ballincollig or Glanmire. I’ve always stayed inside the Cork city boundaries.

He said, you should give it a go, so I looked up “what culchies like” online and all I saw everywhere was a reference to this song called “Hit The Diff”. 

I looked at the video online — I can’t be sure now Audrey, but I think it might be about some lad who is in love with a tractor. 

Long story short, I put “Hit the Diff” as my favourite song in my Tinder profile and I got a deluge of interest from old dolls in Bogland. 

Can you find out for me what the song is about Audrey?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

My cousin lives outside Macroom, we send her our old clothes. I rang her there and said, why do ya all love “Hit The Diff”? She said because it’s a country and western song that doesn’t make you want to cry.

How ya doin'? Myself and the boys here in Edinburgh can’t get a ticket to support Scotland against Ireland this weekend, which has left us at a loose end on the romance front. 

My man Gordon said not to worry, he was at a wedding over in Cork last year, he wore the kilt and the maid of honour was all over him like a cheap suit, but he brushed her off in favour of the bride. 

Flights to Cork are incredibly cheap this weekend, which suggests a second-rate city if you ask me, but we’re thinking of jetting in anyway in our kilts to try it on with your babes. 

Do you think we’ll get a run for our money? 

— Findlay, Edinburgh.

This guy in a kilt tried to hit on me after a Six Nations match last year. I said, “not a chance”. He said, “why?” I said, “you’re English”.