Why Reggie from the Blackrock Rd has decided to run for President of Ireland

Let me tell you a bit about myself.

My father died as he lived, making inappropriate comments to an attractive-looking nurse in a private hospital. But he said something else — “Make me proud of you, mon fils”.

At the time, I thought he wanted me to open a few more off-shore bank accounts. But there is more to life than completely legal tax dodges and I see now that he wanted me to give something back to the people of Ireland.

So I have decided to run for President of Ireland, or Uachtarán na hÉireann as I’ll have to call it, to make it look like I care about the Irish language.

I can’t see myself losing to Bertie Ahern. And not just because he’s from Dublin (my father considered suing him for bringing people without bank accounts into disrepute).

First of all, I have presidential experience. For 10 years I have been president of the Captains of Cork Industry (Coci), an elite business organisation dedicated to maintaining the highest standards on Leeside, while paying zero tax and cheating on our wives. You’d be wrecked from it.

I’m so proud of what we’ve achieved during my time in office.

Our charity, The Royal Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Northsiders has been working non-stop to improve the lives of the Norries as they call themselves (you should hear what we call them).

The signature project during my time in office was a scheme to eradicate the present continuous across the county.

“I do be raging”, “she do be allergic”, the use of “I do be” was tainting people, marking them out as members of the lower orders.

So I launched a billboard campaign called “You Do Be Talking Yourself Out of A Job”. The campaign was funded by an unforgettable charity lunch in Hayfield Manor, we didn’t invite any northsiders because you’d have had to put on a carvery and give them Black Forest Gateau for dessert. It’s one example of #GivingBack.

Another was my live show, Reggie’s Guide to Social Climbing, which was designed to help new money types in Glanmire and Ballincollig find their feet in polite society. It’s been a huge success.

They’re still going to Lanzarote on their holidays, but at least now they’re not admitting it in public.

And they’ve stopped asking for cider at society barbecues because that’s a worrying sign that you might be from Tipperary.

Don’t worry if you’re not the theatre type, Reggie’s Guide to Social Climbing is now a book, where I lay out the path to social success in 24 simple steps, that even you should be able to follow. I’d like to be able to say all proceeds from the book are going to charity, but they aren’t. Easy money is simply irresistible to us well-bred refined millionaires with a sense of entitlement. Just ask Ryan Tubridy.

Anyway, there is one obstacle in my run for Áras an Uachtaráin. I am totally out of touch with ordinary people, which is fantastic, why else do you think I live in a gated fortress on the Blackrock Rd? But ordinary people like yourself are allowed to vote, thanks to the bloody Constitution, so I need to know what you’re thinking.

To that end, I am launching my Reggie For President tour around rural Ireland. I want to reach out to the ordinary people of this country (without touching them obviously, unless they are really gorgeous).

This tour will take me to the Forgotten Ireland, those towns and villages that have been bypassed by history and advances in personal hygiene.

I’m showing scant regard for my personal safety. The tour starts in Sea Church in Ballycotton, which is dangerously close to Garryvoe, a popular spot with Norries where they can play hurling with their greyhounds.

I also have dates confirmed for Banteer and Leap, not to mention a return to The Everyman theatre on MacCurtain St next year. I might have a little surprise as well in Monkstown, which we all know is just Passage West with Volvos.

There will be further dates added in the new year.

I am going to bring hope to the people of Ireland, because we have suffered under Michael D. Higgins for long enough. Did you know he’s from Limerick? He kept that quiet, didn’t he?

So would I if I was from Limerick. I’m not sure if you know this, but the population of Limerick is five million. They just can’t get anyone to admit it on the census form.

What can you expect from my Presidency? Well, I’m not moving in to the Áras, it’s a tiny mansion in a public park. And we all know a Cork person moving to Dublin is an admission of defeat (“He couldn’t make it in the big league”). But only a fool would pass up a free house in Dublin. I know it’s small, but it would be a flier on AirBnB and sure nobody ever declares that income to the Revenue anyway.

It would be a handy bolthole for my wife Marjorie during a rugby weekend, I don’t bother going to these things myself. Rugby is after getting fierce common and there is every chance you’d end up having a slash next to a plumber from Fermoy.

And I prefer not to be seen in public with my wife, it sends the wrong signal to other women.

More than anything, I’d hope to bring a bit of entertainment to the Presidency. The last few presidents — Michael D, Mary 1st and Mary 2nd — were zero craic. It was all about human rights, culture and the dangers of modern capitalism.

There was none of the hilarity you get from Boris Johnson and the Royal Family across the water.

I’m going to bring that level of high-octane showbiz to the Presidency. What’s the point in having a head of state if he can’t make you laugh, or bank his salary in an off-shore account?

I’m doing this to make my father happy. If you’d like to make someone close to you happy, why not give them my book or a ticket to one of my live shows as a
Christmas present. It would be a really good way to stay in the will.

As told to Pat Fitzpatrick

• Reggie’s Guide to Social Climbing is available from October 9. Ticket details for live shows at reggieblackrockroad.com/#tour.