Ask Audrey: 'I'm from Cork but my boss tried to get me to sing a Limerick song for the rugby'

H ey Audrey! I’m totally like a student from Chicago in UCC, studying Irish folklore and how to live on chicken fillet rolls. (You guys!) My gran daddy is from the old country, Skibbereen, to be exact and when I told him I was coming over to Ireland he said, make me one promise Machusla, (my name is Megan – like WTF?), make me one promise and join the grand old party of Fianna Fail when you are over in Cork. Long story, but his daddy hated Fine Gael because Michael Collins is from Clonakilty, you Paddies really hate people from the neighbouring town. So anyhow, I tell my Irish peeps in UCC that I am joining Fianna Fail and they are like woah, d ude, hope you have a return ticket from 1982, because joining Fianna Fail in Cork is for like old people. So I like join anyway because my grandaddy sends me a thousand dollars a month, and now people have stopped inviting me to parties, especially people from Clonakilty, they really don’t like to forget things down there, am I right? I have all this money from my grandaddy to go partying, and no one to spend it with. So, would you like to come out for a drink?
— Megan, Chicago and UCC

I’ d love to go out for a drink. By myself. I’ll text you directions to my favourite pub, you can leave 50 euro behind the bar.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Wasn’t I wrapped up tight inside in the house on Wednesday, sheltering from Storm Agnes, when I hear d a knock on the window. There’s Berna outside in her heavy wellies in case she gets blown across to border to Scartaglin. Come in you gowl I said to her and she said, don’t mind that, I need a lift to Wexford pronto, my car is banjaxed. I said, give me one reason why a reasonably well-adjusted resident of north Cork would ever want to go to Wexford and she answered me with one word – cocaine. She’d heard a rumour on this Facebook page called Crazy Sh*t The Elites Don’t Want you to Know that bales of cocaine were being washed up on the Wexford off that ship that was on the news. I said what are you going to do if you find this cocaine and she said, well I’m not going to stick it up my nose, it’s not like I’m from Knocknagree. My nephew will sell it on for me, he’s a drug dealer, says she. (The woman is just one surprise after the other .) Long story short, we’re still in Wexford and there is no talking her into heading home to Ballydesmond. What am I going to do?
— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

I was going to suggest you tell her to give up or she’ll end up in jail. But sure that’s still better than Wexford.

It’s getting drowsy on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Get a Better Night Sleep Than You. Fifi_RicherThanTaylorSwift said the 140 grand they splashed out on a sleep consultant was the best money they every spent, and she’s looking two years younger in fairness. I can’t afford that kind of money because my Ken put all our savings into a holiday village in Kanturk (I know!), but quality of sleep is the latest must have on the Douglas Road. I can’t use sex to help me sleep, I’m allergic to Hopeless Ken as you can imagine. So, how do you go to sleep at night?
— Jenni, Douglas Road.

M y cousin is a sleep consultant. I rang her there and said, how do you sleep at night? She said, badly. I said why? She said, I’m really worried that people will realise that sleep consultant is just a makey-uppy qualification and I’ll be out of a job.