Ask Audrey: How do you get rid of a Cork accent while speaking French at the Rugby World Cup?

We banned her from the group for a month for all kinds of reasons, not least that she’s claiming to have a €5 million euro mansion in Douglas, it’s not the Blackrock Road we’re living on now Lorna in all fairness. 

But I’m well jell of her with a fruit-fly-less house, while I’m driven demented with the little feckers. 

My sister said I should stop buying so much fruit, but she only lives in Ballinlough so it doesn’t occur to her that a Douglas Road Stunner needs a giant bowl of fruit in her kitchen to advertise that she’s getting her 25 a day. (Five a day is for Norries.) 

My other sister said I should relax and be at one with the flies, but no one listens to her because she lives in a yurt outside Ballydehob. So how do you get rid of fruit flies?

— Jenni, Douglas Road

What you need is something that repels all life forms. Have you tried Lynx Africa?

Hello, old stock. It’s Reggie here in my €6.8 million euro mansion on the Blackrock Road, it went up in value again since I announced I’m running for President. 

Myself, Hoggy and Bunty Harrington are over here in the south of France for the World Cup. 

Y ou must be joking if you think we’re going to any of the games, you’d just end up sitting next to some vet from Tullamore and anyway, there are hardly any Cork players in the team. 

But what better opportunity to get away from our wives for two weeks, working our way through top-end bottles of grenache in the sunshine and making wildly inappropriate passes  at the kind of women you never see in Ireland? 

You’d normally get cancelled for this kind of behaviour, but it’s the World Cup and people have very low expectations of rugby fans on the piss. 

The problem is I’m having zero luck with these women because of Ronan O’Gara. 

He’s the leading comedian in France thanks to his Cork accent speaking French, so now when I do the bit of parlez vous at the babes, they giggle in my face, complete turnoff. 

How do you get rid of a Cork accent while speaking French?

— Reggie, St Tropez and Blackrock Road

I tried to get rid of my Cork accent once when I was pretending to be a hairdresser from Ballina for tax reasons. It worked. But then people thought I was a hairdresser from Mayo. So it’s swings and roundabouts really.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here from Ballydesmond. 

Bad cess to meeting the man of my dreams only to discover that his mother is the queen of all bitches on the Model Farm Road inside in Cork. 

I’m on this dating app that allows top medical consultants to meet frisky rural women, it’s called Full Examination. 

Well didn’t I connect with a lad there last week, out we went for a drink and I got full-on palpitations when I saw the shoulders on him, thank God he’s a heart doctor, he was able to feel me up in the bar without arousing too much suspicion. 

Anyway, we’re doing a line now and it’s thickening up like Bisto, so didn’t he bring me to meet the Mam, in her huge house on the Model Farm Road, it would remind you of South Fork. 

She offered me a glass of wine and I said grand, I’ll have a nice drop of red with two ice cubes, because that’s the way I like it Audrey. 

Well didn’t she wriggle her little nose at me , announcing that she didn’t spend 45 quid on a nice Burgundy so some little country woman could ruin it with ice, those were her actual words. Is it okay to put ice cubes in your wine ?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I passed this on to the Posh Cousin and she said, you’re making this up. I said, why? She said, a north Cork woman drinking wine?!!

C’ mere, what’s the story with The Wolfe Tones? 

I’m a huge fan but I was in the closet there for a few years after this old doll from St Lukes that I was seeing told me I was just a filthy provo and it was a turn-off that I wore the Celtic away jersey in bed. 

But last weekend there was a langer load of people at The Wolfe Tones gig in Electric Picnic, including my ex from St Lukes, I do be still stalking her on Instagram. 

I messaged her and said ‘look at you now lah LMAO’ and she messaged back asking for a loan of my Celtic away jersey to impress her friends. Do you think she might get back with me?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I actually know the girl you’re talking about . I rang her there and asked what she liked about The Wolfe Tones. She said, Ooh Aah Up The Ra, Ooh Aah Up the Ra. I said, you singing that song is bound to upset certain people. She said, tell me about it, they’re kicking my mother out of Douglas Golf Club, she’s devastated.