Ask Audrey: 'Nothing has happened in Meelin since 1987, so our threesome is the talk of the town'

The girls just adopted me as a 5 th year project and I’ve managed to stay inside the group ever since by agreeing with everything they say and being lickarse of the year to Orla Mac because she is Queen Bee-atch and always will be. 

Anyway, Orla private messaged me the other night with BIG NEWS.

 She’d only gone and shagged Fifi’s husband Ken at their end-of-summer barbecue, in their new infinity pool, after everyone had gone home. 

I told her this was the best thing I ever heard and she should be incredibly proud of shagging Fifi’s Ken because A: he’s super hot and B: she’s a dose since she got new boobs in Istanbul. Carnage. 

I was after a pint of Merlot and I send this reply into the group chat and Fifi was livid, because she had actually got the boobs done in Berlin. 

She’s threatening legal action, although she won’t be hiring her solicitor husband Ken for obvious reasons. Should I buy her a limited edition Dryrobe?

— Jenni, Douglas Road.

My Conor got me a Dryrobe last Christmas. I said, what’s that for? He said, to stop you flashing your bits below in Myrtleville. I said, am I not allowed have a hobby?

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. 

You think you’ve heard it all and then your latest boyfriend says he wants to become a part-time lover. 

Richie turns to me in the bed last week and said he’d like to be my man Monday, Wednesday and Friday, because he has another woman lined up for the other days. 

He said this arrangement was all the rage in Los Angeles and I said Richie, you’re from Meelin, it’s a miracle you found one eejit to sleep with you, let alone two, who is this other woman? 

Well didn’t he bring me to meet her in a cafe in Mallow and we got along famously, she was also part-time dating a TD, a female TD no less, buy me a Pornstar Martini and I’ll tell you her name. 

Long story short, I’m living in Meelin now with herself and Richie. And before you say why don’t you ditch Richie, I can’t, he won the Lotto a few years back. 

Now nothing has happened in Meelin since 1987 so we’re the talk of the town, and the locals are referring to Richie’s place as 3-In-A-Bed. Do you think I’m making an eejit of myself, tell me?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

I told your story to the Posh Cousin. She said, I’ve one question. I said, go on. She said, what happened in Meelin in 1987?

C’mere, what’s the story with Ronan O’Gara being afraid to visit the northside? 

Budgie sent me on this video O’Gara did for Tourism Ireland, aimed at getting French people to come and visit Cork. 

It’s all slow-motion clips of him in art galleries and restaurants and cafes. I know the French are a bit nobby in fairness but this video looked like zero craic. 

Even O’Gara seemed lukewarm about the whole thing, but it can be hard to tell in fairness because he’s grumpy at the best of times. 

But there was no hurling or pints or singsongs or queueing for a Sloppy up in Tasty Snacks. 

It showed an aerial view of Shandon, but no sign of O’Gara actually walking around there because we all know that rugby Southsiders would get a banger if someone said you have to visit the Butter Museum. 

Instead, we see him walking around the English Market, which, as you might have noticed, is named after England. 

Could you get him to shoot the video again after Budgie and myself give him a tour of the Norrie hotspots?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

I rang Ronan O’Gara there and asked if he had time to re-shoot the video. He said the opportunities aren’t f**king enormous. #FavouritePhrase

How’re oo’ goin’ on? It’s no joke getting old in West Cork with all the funerals. 

The stress of trying to remember people’s names would be enough to kill a man, particularly since lots of people down here have four names. 

I’m the talk of Dunmanway after offering my condolences to Mike Mick Pat Mary, when it was brother Mick Mike Pat Nuala in front of me, and him consumed with grief. 

Is there a kind of an AI robot I could send to these things and lash out the old sorry for your troubles?

— Dan Paddy Andy, a good bit outside Dunmanway, thank God.

My nephew the inventor reckons he’s the next Elon Musk, I’m very close to him in case he makes a fortune. I rang him there and said, could you make a robot that goes to funerals? 

He said, I’m working on one right now, I have a particular funeral in mind. I said, whose funeral? He said, yours Aunt Audrey. I said, will the robot be bawling crying? He said, no, and then hung up. So I’m looking for another way to get rich.