Ask Audrey:  I’ve started cheating - my husband's as exciting as a skiing holiday in Tullamore 

We banned her for a week for using the term blackas, because that’s for the lower order s and we gave her an extra week for knowing the terrain around Blarney. (Soz now, but Blarney is for N orries and Yanks.) 

But the episode fired the starting gun on our annual Blackberry frenzy, where we spend a fortune on our hair so we can turn heads on the narrow roads out side Minane Bridge. 

We were out there yesterday posting really relatable reels on Insta when a gang of local bee-atches in cheap Lycra came down the road and told us to f**k off back to the Blackrock Road, this was their patch. 

We were well chuffed they thought we were from the Blackrock Road, but they made a  face when we said there are no blackberr ies on the Douglas Road, our gardeners cut down all the brambles. 

It’s an outrage that wealth generators like ourselves are not allowed to make content for Insta out in bogland – do you think we should bring security the next time? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road.

I have a friend in Minane Bridge, she plays Gaelic football. I rang her and said, were you threatening a gang of good-looking ones from the Douglas Road? She said they weren’t that good-looking.

C’mere, what’s the story with salad? The old doll has moved to Ennis for a few months for her teacher training so I’m seeing this hippy one from West Cork, she have an English accent, I think her father is an Earl. 

I’m surprised she’s still alive to be honest because she’s plant-based diet all the way, she doesn’t even eat ham, it’s a joke. 

Anyway, I said I’d impress her the other night when she called over for the bit of horizontal acrobatics, so it made up a salad. 

Tomato, lettuce, it looked weird with the hard-boiled egg but this is the life she has chosen. 

She didn’t like it all. Made a face when I brought it in out on the tray. 

Apparently, I’m stuck in the 1980s because salads these days have nuts and pulses in them whatever they are. 

I didn’t like her tone but kept things light, saying ‘that’s bird food girl – I know you actually are a bird, but that’s ridiculous.’ 

She didn’t like me calling her a bird. Good luck to any nooky after the bad salad/bird double-whammy. 

So like, what’ s a good salad to give a posh old doll? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

M y vegan cousin moved to a yurt in West Cork, pity she didn’t go further. I said to her, did you ever get a salad from a northsider? She said, don’t be such a snob Audrey, northsiders are people just like you and me, I’d say as much to them if I ever met one, there’s still time.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen in Ballydesmond. God protect me from men in tents. 

Berna introduced me to her Tae Kwon Do instructor after mass on Sunday and didn’t he ask me to come camping with him. He doesn’t hang about, like a Scartaglin man running away from a paternity test. 

I admired him for it and said yes, why not, it’s radio silence from my Spanish friend-with-benefits after I asked him to paint the kitchen. 

Well, anyway, off we go up the west coast, myself and Mr Tae Kwan Do until we reached a remote beach in the county Clare. 

He had the tent up in no time – a good sign, says you – while I climbed into the back of his car to change into something lacy, give him a nice surprise. 

Well wasn’t it then that a car pulled up next to ours in the car park, Maura the Face from Kishkeam. 

Is that you Rosealeen from Ballydesmond,  says she in the window, tak ing a photo on her phone no less? Your man comes out of the tent and does a karate chop on her, long story short, it’s front page news in the Kishkeam Bugle (city edition). 

Do you know anyone working in PR who can fix this for me? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

M y friend handles crisis management. I said to him , what do you say to a Ballydesmond woman in lacy underwear? He said, how do you know I like wearing lacy underwear? #Boom #Boom

Hello dear. I’ve started cheating on my husband, he’s 73 and about as exciting as a skiing holiday in Tullamore. 

The problem is our petrol car wakes him when I come in the drive after a session with my red hot Latin Lover. (It’s Maurice from pitch and putt actually, but we can all dream.) 

What would be a good electric car that wouldn’t wake my husband after 9pm? (He’s that dull.) 

- Amanda , Model Farm Road.

An AI chatbot writes most of my responses now, it frees up more time for me to do feck all. I typed your story in there and it came back ‘She’s telling lies.’ I said, how do you know? The chatbot said, no one on the Model Farm Road would admit to playing pitch and putt. (Our guess is you’re from Bishopstown.)