Ask Audrey: We need to visit the capital - how long would it take us to get to Belfast?

Wrong on both counts, Dowcha Donie.

A website called Extremely Mega-Sensational Weather told my old doll that it was going to be 27°C in Cork on Wednesday — and off with her upstairs to start ‘grooming’ as she calls, or leaving dodgy bits of hair all over the shower as I refer to it myself.

Along comes Wednesday anyway, and it was well gloomy like. There was heat in the air in fairness, but it was that kind of shocking heat that gives you a weird itch and has you saying ‘muggy’ to strangers on the bus. 

The old doll was like a dog, she had copied an outfit from the Barbie movie, she looked the business in fairness, but it was terrible to see her in tears because she thought it would be like the Canaries in Cork. 

So like, where is the best place to get a reliable weather forecast?

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I rang Met Eireann and asked what they’d advise. The woman said: "Try emigration, it’s going to rain until 2028."

We’re getting earache on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Ended Up Next To a Dublin Family on Holidays. 

We all make a point of going on holidays to different parts of France in August, because it’s super-expensive then and what better way to shove your wealth in your sister’s face, serves her right for marrying a guy from Bishopstown and now she’s stuck sneaking off to France the minute the kids are out of school to try and save a bit of money.

Anyway, where was I? 

Oh yeah, we Stunners disperse to different campsites across la belle France: we used to go together but there was a fierce amount of sleeping with each other’s husbands. 

We’re on the old WhatsApp to each other every day... it’s either that or talk to our kids. 

We’ve noticed a fierce outbreak of Dublin accents across France this year. Orla_Elocuted said there was a very nice Dublin family next to her in the Premium Area of her exclusive campsite, but the honking DART accent on their kids would wear you thin. 

She asked them if they could mime for the final few days of the holidays, but their Dublin mother got wind of it and there was war. (Orla sang ‘I’ll tell me Ma when I go home, the Corkies won’t leave the Dubs alone’ at her nemesis, no speakie for the rest of the holiday.)

Do you know Audrey, is there any way to get Dublin people to use a different accent?

- Jenni, Douglas Road, currently in France, very expensive.

I rang the Posh Cousin there and asked her what she thought. She said: "I feel very sorry for Jenni — nobody who matters goes to campsites these days."

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. 

You can’t beat a dating app that comes straight to the point, which is why I’m rarely off 50-Something Widowers in Your Area Who Know Who To Drive You Wild.

Bad cess to men who weren’t married before, they would get an NG in female anatomy. That’s No Grade before you ask — a very popular mark for people who sat the Inter Cert in Scartaglin.

Anyway, didn’t I hook up with Mikey last week, and Mikey likey all-night-long let me tell you. The only problem is his misery of a dog, Speckles. 

She belonged to Mikey’s widow and Speckles is still sad because your one only died last month... not in the bed thank God. 

But Mikey has a big heart, the gowl, and he lets Speckles sleep inside in the bed with us. Sorry now, but it’s hard to lose yourself in the pleasures of the flesh with a 17-year-old cocker-spaniel giving the stink eye. 

Do you think I should say 'Mikey, it’s either me or that fecking dog'?

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

My brother is a vet, as my mother likes to remind me twice a week. I rang him there and asked if there is a downside to having a cocker spaniel in bed. He told me I always had a colourful life. I’m not ringing him anymore.

Well hello from sunny California. My second wife and I will visit your fair isle on a cruise ship soon, we’ll be tying up in the grand old town of Cobh.

I’m told I need to see the sights of your second city, but the missus is all about winners (like myself) and insists we need to visit the capital. So, how long would it take us to get to Belfast?

- Mack Schlaffenberg III Jnr

I was going to suggest you try Google Maps, but you are probably as bad with technology as you are with geography. (Not to mention history.) 

It will take you 4 hours and 24 minutes to travel to Belfast, or three days if there is a crash on the M50. Bear in mind that Belfast is in another country. But so is Dublin in fairness.