Ask Audrey: 'C’mere, what’s the story with fancying Ryan Tubridy?'
Been Audrey For Cork Has Ask People Ages Sorting Out
Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? My knob-end of a brother back from Paris showing off his latest 23-year-old girlfriend with a touch of Vanessa Paradis about her, how does he do it, the pudsy little mickey man with the earning power of a Hawthorn Bush? An Irish man will never be without a young one as long as he can play the tin whistle.
Anyway, my mother is up to ninety, hoovering the pattern off her carpet now that the Messiah is back in town. Well by Jesus Christ I’m watching him like a hawk in case she gives him her bank card so he can head into Mallow and help himself to a juicy bit of cash: "ah the poor crater has nothing" says Mammy, blind as ever to his many failings.
Anyway, didn’t he tell me that he took espionage training from a Libyan lad in Paris and now he’s ‘a Ninja’ when it comes to spotting if someone is tailing him. 'Well so much for following him into Mallow wearing Berna’s wig', I said to myself, 'you’ll need to raise your game here Rosealeen from Ballydesmond'.
So do you know anyone who could train me in the dark arts of following my brother across north Cork?
C’mere, what’s the story with fancying Ryan Tubridy?
Myself and the old doll took the day off to watch the hearings in Dáil Eireann there on Tuesday, it’s the first time we turned on RTÉ in years. I haven’t enjoyed the telly this much in ages.
Every time your man Kelly said he was acting under instruction from RTÉ, myself and old doll shouted "that would be an ecumenical matter" and downed a shot of Sambuca, we were langers by half eleven in the morning, it was like being in Ibiza. I pride myself on managing my alcohol intake so for the afternoon session I was down to sipping cans because the Sambuca can be savage for the heartburn.
Like everyone else in Cork, my take on the hearings was that they are all just a shower of langers on the take above in Dublin. But the Old Doll do get funny after Sambuca, and didn’t she shock me and Budgie (he was there too) with the news that she fancies the bones off of Ryan Tubridy.
I said "is it all the money he has?", but she said 'no, she ain’t no gold digger', she just likes his accent and the way he talks to bogmen TDs. She said, wait for it, she likes to fantasise about him when we’re doing the business. That’s insulting.
Should I start fantasising about Claire Byrne?
It’s getting horny on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Heard about the Six Second Kiss and Now Can’t Talk about Anything Else.
It’s a new thing Audrey, you might have read about it in Suzi Godson’s sex advice column this week in the Examiner. So basically, if you want to have a healthy relationship with your partner, you should either kiss for six seconds or hug for 20 seconds every day.
As you can imagine we’re all dying to have a good relationship so we can ram it down the throat of our friends whose marriages end in divorce. But this six-second thing is a bit of a mare.
Morny_NotAlwaysHorny said she tried it with her Ken and he was disappointed when it didn’t lead to sex.
Fifi_AllAboutMe tried it with her Ken and he was also disappointed when it didn’t lead to sex.
Long story short Audrey, we all tried it with Our Kens and they were all disappointed when it didn’t lead to sex, except for Orla P’s Ken, probably because he’s sleeping with Morny_NotAlwayHorny.
Anyway, is it possible to kiss a man for six seconds without him thinking wey-hey!?
So like, ya, total sympathy for Ryan Tubridy, everyone wants to take a pot-shot at the rich guy with the polished accent, it’s not his fault he was born into privilege.
Myself and Bryan with a Y have decided that enough is enough, it’s time to create a safe space for beautifully spoken guys who are vastly over-paid through no fault of our own. We had our first meeting in yacht club on Thursday night, it was like a Men’s Shed where everyone has a sailing tan and went to Pres.
The general consensus was that our mental health has been overlooked for too long in favour of working-class types and bogmen. So we’re totally taking matter into our own hands with a support group and podcast, which should be a great way to attract chicks. The only thing missing now is a name. Bryan with a Y wants to call it LWS (Loaded, With Sadness) but that sounds self-pitying, even for us. So would you have a good name for our group?
