Ask Audrey: You don’t want to admit you read a book in Duhallow, like you’re Jean Paul Sartre

So I’m always trying to guide her away from the 99 and on to a more manageable ice cream, like your Classic Magnum or maybe a Loop the Loop. 

The Old Doll is very unpredictable, so some days she’ll go grand, I’ll have a Loop the Loop, but then another time, it’s foot down, I want the 99. 

And I’m sweating then like, “don’t mind the Flake girl, you can have that at the end”, and she’s all, “that’s a crime against nature Dowcha Donie, you want the flavour of the Flake coating your mouth before you start the licking.” 

The next 2 minutes – her average Flake eating time – are the longest two minutes of my life as the ice cream starts melting down the side of the cone onto her hand, my nerves would be fierce at me. 

How can I put her off the 99s for good?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

My niece is an expert in Aversion Therapy. I rang her there and said what’s an Aversion Therapist? She said, someone with a made-up medical title. I said, what would you use to put a northsider off a 99? She said a very long pole. I said, why? She said, in case I touched off them by accident. #Snobby 

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. 

You don’t want to admit you read a book up here in Duhallow or word will go round that you’re Jean Paul Fecking Sartre. 

Berna spotted a gap in the summer festival schedule there for mid-July and wasn’t she to me over to my place like a whippet with diarrhoea, saying we should host a weekend of culture up here in Ballydesmond, attract in the kind of man who has read something other than the programme for a Junior B League Final. 

So we launched a three-day programme of events under the banner title of Not the Kind of Thing You’d Get in Scartaglin – you don’t want to miss the slightest opportunity to have a dig at that shower of soap-dodgers across the border. 

Well, bad cess to finding a free artist in Ireland in July, the only intellectual we have booked so far is a guy that can sing the song Wagon Wheel in Latin. (He’s known as ‘The Professor’ in Clonmel.) 

We’ll never hear the end of it if this festival is a flop, they’re only waiting for us to put a foot wrong in the self-styled University of Knocknagree. So like, can you get your hands on a few English intellectuals for us?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

My niece is an intellectual, you should see the state of her hair. I said, what’s the best way to attract an English artist to Ballydesmond. She said, tell them it’s in West Cork.

It’s getting steamy on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Can’t Believe You Didn’t Get a Mobile Sauna for your Summer Barbecue. 

Lorna_Horny4MyKen posted, soz bee-atches, it’s game over on the summer barbecue competition front, I have booked a mobile sauna for ours, we’ll put cold water in the Jacuzzi, it will be like Sweden out the back Chez Lorna, you’re all welcome, don’t wear green it will just clash with your envy. 

Chloe_Loadee said, One mobile sauna! One! That’s as lame as a Kanturk woman in cheap shoes Lorna, I’m having two saunas at my bash, upp dinn (that’s the Swedish for ‘up yours’.) 

Honestly, Audrey, who needs Netflix this summer when the stunners are serving up drama like this? 

Between yourself and myself, I’m in the bottom half of the wealth league on Douglas Road, please don’t publish this or someone will paint ‘Struggling’ on our gates. 

Anyway, three mobile saunas might be a stretch – do you think it’s worth it?

— Jenni, Douglas Road.

Saunas are awful, you end up looking like a prune. That reminds me – what’s the difference between A Douglas Road Stunner and a Prune? A few people actually like prunes.

Now listen up Paddy, I’m bringing my best friend's wife to Cork for a dirty weekend because I’m a member of the British Establishment and this sort of thing happens all the time. 

Now this filly has a soft spot for your man Liam Neeson, particularly his portrayal of Michael Collins and she has promised me all sorts if I bring her to the Collins birthplace which I’m told is near Clonakilty. 

Could you be so kind as to tell me is it a good idea to bring her, there given that I am obviously the wrong type for the spud-munchers in your Rebel County?

— Lord Edmund D’Servant-Spanker, London.

My sister lives near Clonakilty, don’t ask me why. I rang her there and said, what’s the welcome like for English people below in Clon? She said, pretty good as long as they don’t have dreadlocks and a rescue whippet. #Hippy #MakeARun4It