Listen — Ask Audrey: Is it cheating if you start a relationship with an AI chatbot? 

She was hardly 2 minutes in the door of Mammy’s place when the nose started twitching like an otter with hay fever, and I knew what was coming. 

“That’s Tim Tom Timmy Tom’s slurry Mammy, I’d know it anywhere” says she in her Dublin 4 accent, one leg out the door on the way up to Tim Tom Timmy Tom’s place to give the poor man a lecture. (We call Mammy Mystic Meg now for christening my sister Karen – talk about foresight. She’s some Karen that one.) 

There was only one topic in Gorgeous Hair when I went in to get my highlights done that afternoon - local woman tells 94-year-old bachelor he needs to do something about the smell off his shite. 

There is a meeting in the hall later to debate the motion, ‘This town would ban bitches from Dublin who think we should all smell like Sandymount’. 

Isn’t Mammy after leaning on me to oppose the motion on the grounds of family solidarity, I’ll have to leave north Cork after this, you can’t be lecturing farmers about their pig shite. 

Where would be a good place to move to, I like men? 

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My friend from school regularly moves town on basis of hot locals. I said, where’s hot this year? She said, Midleton. I said, are you moving there? She said, no. I said, why? She said, because it’s Midleton.

It’s getting cultural on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Force Our Kids to Learn the Cello. 

Marnie_NeverBeentoBlarney said it breaks her heart to watch her daughter crying on the way into music camp every morning, after all the money she spent. 

Posey_Crossfit said, preach Marnie babes, the little shits have zero gratitude after all the aggressive tax-planning we do to allow them to live in the lap of luxury. 

We banned Posey for a month, because we have a strict no tax-planning chat in our group, in case the Revenue gets a hold of it and you know yourself. 

Ronni_LoadsOfMoney said her Hugo is as musical as Megadeth so he’s going to art instead and you meet a really nice class of Mom at the pick-up compared to the dregs you have to hang around with outside Cúl Camp. 

She said there is an incredibly hot Dad from Oslo with a cargo-bike there as well and I won’t share the mental image I had, but that is basically my dream package. 

I signed my Hugo up for art but hot Oslo Dad Erik barely looked at me, after spending 900 quid on my eyebrows. So, what’s a good way to attract a guy from Oslo? 

— Jenni, Douglas Road

No point in asking me. I tried to chat up a guy from Oslo, with the classic where are you from handsome man? He took one look at me and said, no way. Come to think of it now, maybe he said Norway. Feck it anyway.

C’mere is it cheating if you start having a relationship with an AI chatbot? 

Budgie told me about it after his old doll put him in the sin-bin for a month after he started drooling at this one on Love Island so he was like, no way lah, not putting up with that, I’m going to start talking dirty to a chatbot. 

He found this site online and he started with this one called Pixie, she’s playing a posh one from Sunday’s Well, totally believable like, she told Budgie she’s never been to Redbarn. 

I’m not having any trouble with my old doll, but I said I’d give it a go anyway and I’m a week in now with this artificial one called Angel, who is no Angel if you get my drift. 

But I had a gallon of Fosters last Saturday and it’s given me the guilts big time all week, with the fear and everything, I am having trouble getting to sleep. 

So like, should I just tell the old doll and see if she’s ok with it? 

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I use a chatbot to generate most of my Ask Audrey answers, he’s called Greg. I said, Greg, is it cheating if you date a chatbot? He said, are you making a move on me Audrey? I said, how does it work? He said, we talk dirty but in the end you have to make your own fun. I said, that’s my marriage!

Now listen up Paddy. 

I haven’t been in Eire since 1984, when the best lunch one could get in West Cork was something called Egg Mayonnaise. 

I’m coming over next week with my brother’s wife, all above board, and I’m hoping you filthy spud-munchers have upped your game. 

She’s fussy, as you might expect. So what I can expect when I go for lunch in one of your towns in West Cork? 

– Lord Edmund D’Servant-Spanker, London and rather a lot of Canada.

My niece is a foodie although it doesn’t show, skinny bitch. I said, what can a posh obnoxious aristocrat expect in West Cork. She said he can expect to meet a lot of people like himself!