Ask Audrey: Is it okay to canoodle in a mobile sauna?

I took it the extra mile in fifth year when I learned the uileann pipes, the old man accused me of being in the IRA, so I looked into joining up, but it was too much hassle because you can’t do it online.  They should fix that going forward. 

A legacy from those deviant days is that I am that rarest of creatures in Ballintemple – a Cork football fan. 

People are really shocked when they hear that, because most Cork football fans are punters with fangs from somewhere west of Dunmanway. 

So, like,  I was there to watch the Rebels slam Mayo last weekend, dedication baby, it was in Limerick. 

Totally psyched about Roscommon this weekend, I think the boys could be looking at a trip to Croke Park. 

The only problem is I can’t enjoy being the only football fan in Ballintemple, where the consensus is that I am a band-wagoning Johnny-Come-Lately. 

So how can I show that I’ve been a football fan for nearly 30 years? 

— Ed, Ballintemple

This is one for my GAA mad friend, No Fault Froggy. I rang him there and said, what would you recommend to a Cork football fan? He said, painkillers.

How’re oo goin’ on? 

Herself is after falling in with a gang of sea swimmers in Tragumna, shower of gobshites the lot of them. 

I normally let her off by herself because to be honest with you, their relentless positivity would drag you down in the end. I changed my tune this week though. 

I’m fecking scrambled from the heat, it’s like Mexico City here in downtown Dunmanway, with slightly less drive-by shooting as the fella says. 

So I went along with herself and met up with the sea swimmers, Christ, all they could talk about was their endorphins, not to mention their sense of superiority because they go for a dip in the ocean while other people are at work. 

I rolled up the slacks and paddled away at the edge while herself was out with the gobshites and they stayed outside for ages, up to their necks in water, nattering away like fecking seals. 

You wouldn’t blame a man for getting paranoid, the way they’d look back at me on the shore and then start laughing. 

She poo-poohed me when I brought it up on the way home in the car, but now that I think of it, she was flirting like mad with Jimmy the Hips from Drimoleague, he looks good in a pair of togs in fairness to the man. 

I can’t bar her from going swimming thanks to Women’s Lib, so do you think I should take up swimming myself ? 

— Dan Paddy Andy, turn left coming out of Dunmanway and bring a flask in case you fall into a pothole.

I couldn’t care less. Come here, you’d never send me on a photo of Jimmy the Hips?

It’s getting anxious on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners who Rent a Limited Edition Range Rover for The Ferry to France . 

Chloe_WeeklyPedicure said just a week now before we head off on our annual ferry trip, bee-atches, tell me we’re doing our usual convoy down the Rochestown Road to blow those sad wannabes away with our choice of car. 

We all replied that we are because poor Chloe suffers with anxiety, don’t tell anyone. 

It’s part of the social calendar now on the Douglas Road, we travel in convoy down to Ringaskiddy and they let us on the boat early because we’re so good-looking.

That way we can corner the best bit of the bar and keep well away from slack-jaws from south Tipperary bringing their foxy freckled children to some mediocre campsite in the Vendee. 

As you can imagine, the style on the Stunners is outrageous and it’s pressure all the way because My Ken lost a fortune on a Ponzi Scheme in Copenhagen, I’m half thinking of leaving him. Do you think I should walk? 

— Jenni, Douglas Road

This would be an awful time to leave Your Ken . Wait until he makes a bit of money again so you can fund your single lifestyle...

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. 

I hooked up with this fella on a no-strings dating site called I’m Not Going to Marry You. 

Well didn’t he organise a swim in West Cork , he could have fecking warned me, sure there was grooming to be done. 

Out of the sea and in we went to one of these Mobile Saunas you see now by the beaches, it’s like Swedish we were. 

Didn’t he lob the gob at me inside in this thing, the couple opposite us didn’t know where to look, and they from Kinsale. 

I gave him an old snog because you don’t want to be rude, but I’d like to know for the next time – is it ok to canoodle in a mobile sauna? 

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I rang my Swedish friend there and said what’s the story with sex in a sauna. He said, I’ll see you there in 10 minutes. Very open-minded.