Ask Audrey: 'Jesus, but you can’t beat an affair with a married man'

It’s a long show, so we might have a second bout of loving during that, if herself doesn’t have the hiccoughs after the curry. 

We were sitting watching it the other night when I had a revelation – why can’t a Norrie present it when that gomie Tubridy rides off into the sunset? And why can’t that Norrie be me? 

It’s about time they had a working-class voice in the hot seat every Friday night, and I don’t mean some gowl pretending to be the common man, like Joe Duffy. 

Anyway, I says this to the old doll and she said, what about the common woman Dowcha Donie? Well long story short Audrey, she made an audition video where she’s interviewing me as Roy Keane, she went all out, drew a beard on me and everything, and had a Labrador sitting in my lap. 

We haven’t heard anything back yet. Could you call someone in RTE and check if they got it? Thanks, girl. 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I rang there and said, what are the chances of a woman from the northside of Cork getting the Late Late gig? He said, really high. I said, seriously? He said, seriously, I’m really high, but that’s because I’m creative, how can I help you?

It’s getting Holy on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Pretend to Be Religious Because it’s Easier than Falling out with Our Mothers. 

About two weeks ago, Fifi_Spiritual told us that her sister is a fierce holy Mary, she didn’t have sex before getting married or anything and didn’t she end up sexually incompatible with her husband. 

Anyway, that didn’t stop them having four kids and the eldest one is making her confirmation now and the sister is after asking Fifi_Spiritual to sponsor the poor child. (It’s where you stand behind the child in the church and try not to giggle while the priest marries them to Christ.) 

Fiona_IownARangeRover said she’s also been asked to sponsor her niece, it’s like a plague or something. 

Then I get a message from my priest of a brother asking me to sponsor his Freddy so myself and other stunners have decided to do the right thing – fly over to Milan and spend 4 grand minimum on the sort of clothes that are guaranteed to blow all the other bee-atches in the church away with our under-stated Euro-chic . 

I told My Ken, and he wants to go back into counselling because I agreed at the last session that I’d stop spending 5 grand a month on clothes that we can’t afford. Total b uzz wreck er . What will I tell the stunners? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road.

Tell your Ken to buzz off. My Conor said to me once, you need to watch your spending. I said, you need to watch a show on Channel 5 called I Had Multiple Affairs Because My Husband Is As Mean As The Man From Kanturk . Last I heard about it.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Jesus, but you can’t beat an affair with a married man. 

So it was whoops of joy when Berna found this new app for women looking for new strings sex it’s called The Other Woman. 

I don’t mind being The Other Woman, as long as The Actual Woman is one who has to wash his jocks and listen to him banging on about his life being a disappointment. 

Anyway, this has led to a nice little arrangement with a hurler from Mallow, the shoulders on him, he calls over to me on Thursday night for a bit of ‘strength and conditioning work’, as he tells his wife. 

Well didn’t he walk in last night, lifted me up in the air and said, I’ve left her Rosealeen from Ballydesmond, I’m moving in with you - hang on ‘til I get my gearbag from the car. 

I locked the door and closed the curtains, he’s still outside singing Ed Sheeran love songs in the letterbox, oh Jesus, make it stop. What will I do? 

- Rosealeen from Ballydesmond

I feel very sorry for you – still using curtains in your house. You poor thing.

So, my man Bryan with a Y and myself are making a southside version of The Young Offenders, where we run into trouble with The Man thanks to our cryptocurrency called TodalCoin, ‘ It’s Todally Guaranteed’, which it wasn’t so we’re looking at 10 years in a white collar prison. 

It’s more of a documentary to be honest because we actually have done all those things and I’m terrified that the hot Slovenian chick in Samba drumming will dump me when I’m doing my stretch inside. (10 years reduced to a fortnight because my old man built a portable sauna for the judge.) 

So like, how can I persuade her to wait for me? 

Ed, Ballintemple

I rang your Slovenian friend and said, what are you going to do when Ed is in prison? She said, change my identity and stop going to Samba drumming. #Dumped