Ask Audrey: My Limerick girlfriend wants me to shout insults at the Cork GAA players

Another thing I’m keeping under wraps from the likes of my wingman Budgie is that this second old doll is from Limerick. Completely from Limerick now like, it’s not like her father was a guard from Cork and went up there and never came back. 

She goes all the way back up there and you can hear it in her accent and this is where things get completely filthy – I’m turned on by her Limerick accent. 

Not in the normal scheme of things – I have to remind myself not to scream when she speaks during the day at work. But at night, lights turned down and Barry White on the tunes, I do get fierce aroused by her ordering me around in a Limerick accent, leathers and whips and everything. 

So like, she has commanded me to go to Limerick this weekend, IN A LIMERICK JERSEY, go to the match, and shout insults at Cork players during the parade in my thorough-bred Norrie accent. 

I won’t go into details here but she has promised to make it well worth my while. 

I’m worried I’ll get an earful from the Cork fans, particularly if we lose. (She has me referring to Limerick as ‘we’ and everything.) So, will Limerick lose?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool and Limerick.

I rang my GAA mad ex there, No Fault Froggy. I said, Would you shout insults at the Cork players in a Limerick jersey? He said, no, I do that in a Cork jersey.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. 

Oh, for the love of Cromwell, would someone deliver me from Berna and her judgey fecking ways? 

I have a new fella that I met on an app called New Fella Every Fortnight, it’s like those wellness scams where they send you out a packet of mush on a regular basis that is guaranteed to help you lose weight and gain night vision. 

Except with this one, they send out a man. Or at least, the eircode where you can go and meet a man. It’s as dodgy as it sounds, but needs must and I met my first man last week. 

He has a grand set of arms up on him and I can barely make out a word he says because he is from Monaghan. Win-win I believe they call it. 

Anyway, he messaged me last night and said we should go away for the weekend. 

Yes, says I, ordering a next-day delivery of a five-pack of knickers from Marks and Sparks. 

Well, didn’t I tell Berna and she called it a dirty weekend? 

I’m a bigger fool for listening to the old wind-bag, but I can’t get the phrase dirty weekend out of my mind. Don’t get me wrong, I’m planning all kinds of filth with the man. 

But I don’t think I can go now thanks to Berna. Would hypnosis be any help, tell me? 

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

My friend is a hypnotist, she’s considered the brightest woman in Clonakilty because she can count down from 10. I rang her there and said, what would you say to someone going on a dirty weekend? She said, make sure to get a five-pack of knickers from Marks and Sparks. What the?

So, like, the old man bought me an apartment in the Elysian Tower, and gives me 10 grand a month to leave him alone with his new girlfriend that he met in the sex addiction clinic. She’s a 27-year-old Slovenian, there are no words. 

I was sitting in the apartment two nights ago looking down on my city, doorbell goes, it’s the 27-year-old Slovenian saying she wants to give me a massage. Christmas in May, dude, I buzz her in, I’m actually lying on my massage table by the time she gets to my penthouse. 

Turns out she wanted to give me a message, talk about awkward . But we got to talking and now I’m toe-dally in love with the old man’s 27-year-old girlfriend. So like, how do I get with her without the old man cutting me off?

— Ed, Ballintemple

My cousin runs a course in cheating called Not if You Don’t Get Caught. I said, what’s the best way to have sex with your father’s 27-year-old girlfriend from Slovenia? She said, hang on there I’ll get my copy of the Karma Sutra. #Position4Everything

It’s getting tetchy on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Don’t want to Take Their Kids out of School Early in Case People Think You’re Trying to Save Money on Your Holidays. 

Caoimhe_2SwimmingPools is taking her Hugo out in mid-June, so she’s sending him to school in a t-shirt saying ‘Fortnight in 5 grand villa in Tuscany.’ Is it worth doing something like that?

— Jenni, Douglas Road.

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said what’s the story if you take your kids out of school early? She said, you’re toast Audrey – if the nanny isn’t bringing them home from school forget about it. What’s the point in having a nanny if they don’t do the school run and ensure that if your husband is going to have an affair, at least it’s in-house.