Listen - Ask Audrey: Temperatures rising in the bedrooms of Douglas Road
Been Ages Ask For Out Cork Sorting Audrey People Has
Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. My gowl of a brother got zero points in his Leaving Cert so didn’t he say to himself, “Well now Jerry The Pig as I’m known locally, I wouldn’t make much of a priest so I might as well go into politics”.
He’s been on the town council now for 20 years, but the only thing you need to get elected there is a set of opposable thumbs. He put a brave face on it at the count the last time out - but it can’t be easy to for a man to poll so badly that he was able to figure out that his own mother didn’t even vote for him, god rest her soul - even though she isn’t dead yet, would she ever hurry on.
He was going to go up and see Donald Trump during the week, until someone told him it was in Clare – but he has taken inspiration from old Orange Face, by coming up with a Ballydesmond First policy.
He wants to enact a by-law so that if you are inside in a shop in town, the locals are served before any knuckle-draggers over from Scartaglin lookin g to buy olive oil. I’m mortified, people have started calling me Hitler’s Sister. Is it possible to divorce your brother?
C’mere, what’s the story with London?
Myself and the old doll were watching the preparations for the Coronation of King Big Ears there during the week, and didn’t she go looking up flights to London in June for a city break?
I said sorry now love, there is no way I’m going to England outside the soccer season – it’s all dolled up now for the pomp and ceremony, but when we go there it will be the same old story, taxi drivers calling me 'mate' and trying to get me to say ‘turty tree’ into their smartphone so they can play it for their ‘ mates’ .
She said, it’s not my fault you can’t pronounce 'turty tree' and I said, listen to yourself would ya, you’ re worse at it than me. Sorry now girl, but you’d have half of London laughing at us, while calling us 'mate'.
She rang her sister then to check the pronunciation, and the sister was comically bad at it like, the old doll put her on speaker and everything so we could piss ourselves laughing at her. I rang Budgie then, and he tried to put on a Sunday’s Well accent but it didn’t work, same thing, 'turty tree'. Is there anyone in Cork who can pronounce it properly?
It’s getting horny on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Like to Talk Openly About Sex.
Fifi_ LoadzaLovers started it all when she said her Ken gets fierce frisky watching Bridgerton. Orla_ YesYes said that’s really deviant, imagine a man watching Bridgerton, particularly one like your Ken who played prop forward for Cork Con, spill all the beans, bee-atch!
Fifi said it all started last year – she was watching Bridgerton, not paying much attention to it if she was being honest, it’s not exactly art house cinema. Suddenly she feels this hand rubbing her knee, it was her Ken glued to one of the steamy sex scenes.
Fifi said it’s gone on a good bit from there and let’s just say there is a Regency-period ball gown hanging in their wardrobe now, wink wink.
Orla said, does he make you put it on and Fifi said, no, he’s the one that likes to dress up in a Regency ball gown , say nothing he’ll get kicked out of the tennis club.
Well, Orla isn’t known as The Human Sieve for nothing and now everyone knows. So last night My own Ken asked if he could dress up in a Regency ball gown. Should I let him?
Now listen up Paddy. King Charles said he would give me half of Wales if I could only get the people of Ireland to give him a huge cheer on Saturday at the moment of coronation.
Now I know you’ve had some disappointments in the past with British rule, most of them your fault.
But if you can see fit to give Charles a cheer in unison as he steps out of the cathedral, I’ll see what I can do for you in return.
So what would you like?