Ask Audrey: My friends started calling my husband Gouger after I told them he only went to Coláiste Chríost Rí

I always suspected my Ken didn’t like my friends, maybe it’s the way they started calling him Gouger after I told them he only went to Coláiste Chríost Rí. (I’m not a huge fan of the way they call me Gouger’s Feen either, but I don’t want to show any weakness.) 

Anyway, Audrey, dying to know who did the dirt on our Italy trip, have you heard anything? 

— Jenni, Douglas Road.

I have heard something actually. The sound of vicious laughter from the Blackrock Road because ye couldn’t get the funds for the Swiss Alps . #Morto4Ye

So ya, hey dude, myself and my man Bryan with a Y are like super-addicted to Succession on TV at the moment because it’s creepy the way the writers obviously followed us around the hot spots of Posh Cork and wrote down what we were saying. 

Not sure if you can relate to the show yourself, because it’s about wealthy, successful people who crave love from their father and, SPOILER ALERT, the old man died and they’d be lost without them if it wasn’t for all the money. 

That is like the story of my life recently, I said to Bryan with a Y, and he was straight back with but your old man is still alive, Edmundo, and I said keep your voice down dude, I’ve told this hot Slovenian one in Zumba dancing that he died because I’m angling for a pity shag and Bryan with a Y actually sent himself a voice-note there and then, to remind himself to use the dead-old-man play sometime, it’s a top, top idea. 

Except he managed to send the message to my very-much-alive old man by mistake, who ordered me to meet him in his solicitor’s office, South Mall, Monday at 9am, I’ll have to get out of bed dude. Do you know where I can get a solicitor totally for free? 

— Ed, Ballintemple

M y ex is a solicitor, his mother is still devastated that he didn’t have the guts to become a barrister. I rang him there and said, would you work Pro Bono. He said no, I can’t stand U2.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Well, feck you anyway Tim Pat Nora from Kiskeam with your connections to Fine Gael, handy when you need a grant for your new business venture. 

Berna rang me yesterday and said, “Look out the window Rosealeen, it’s Invasion of the Elderly Zombies in downtown Ballydesmond” and wasn’t there a shower of geriatrics moping down the road in hiking gear? 

Out I went and asked them what they are up to, and isn’t the way they were on a guided tour tracing the footsteps of St Dymphna, the Camino of North Cork they called it. 

Well, this has Tim Pat Nora from Kiskeam written all over it, so I rang him up, (we went on a few dates last year) and I said, will you ever stop sending poor misfortunates through our town? 

He said why don’t you come over and stop me and didn’t we spend two days in bed. Do you think he might be the one?

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

On one hand, you should be looking for more than a guy who cons old people out of money. On the other hand, it’s north Cork.

C’mere, what’s the story with your life ending because you have a child? When the old doll told me she had amazing news yesterday morning, I presumed she meant Jude Bellingham is going to join Liverpool.  So you can imagine my disappointment when she said she was up the pole. 

Babies are shocking.  I’ve seen it with Budgie – one minute you’re walking around with a bag of cans, then the child comes and you’re afraid to leave the house without a packet of wipes. 

I’m thinking now might be a good time to lay down some ground rules with the old doll, stressing that I’ ll be more a stern but loving figure in the background, rather than a hands-on Dad, who gets his hands on a nappy full of shite. Do you think she’ll mind?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I’ll have a word on your behalf. My Conor insisted on being a hands-on Dad and I spent most of my time considering putting my hands on his throat. I even changed his name to ‘Have you Seen The’.