Ask Audrey: It’s hard enough imagining people in north Cork having sex

She was looking out the window one day and said to herself, “I wonder who is that now calling to Tim Pat Mary’s place?” It turns out her Alexa speaker was connected to the artificial intelligence robot and it came straight back with, “That’s his red hot Latin lover, Berna.” 

Well lads, I’ve been over there since getting all the goss. Noreen from the road below caught her Declan with the au pair and now they’re all in a throuple; Eddie Two Dogs is after opening an Instagram account for his piles — you should see the photos. 

Well bad cess to technological advances, but Berna and myself haven’t been outside in a fortnight, so busy have we been rooting through the dirt on people in a 30-mile radius. Do you think we should start broadcasting our results on a podcast? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

It’s hard enough imagining people in north Cork having sex. A whole podcast about it could push an entire nation over the edge.

It’s getting half-pissed on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Are Thinking of Putting a Vineyard out the Back. 

Clodagh_LoadzaProperty kicked it all off with a message about the shocking weather, because she read that a butterfly in Mallow who always predicts the weather said that a super-wet March means it will be scorchio from late May through to back to school. 

Fifi_4GrandBirkenstocks said that’s it, mes amis, I’m putting a vineyard in the back garden, it’s not like I’m short of space. It isn’t like she’s short of rash decisions around that time of the day either, because Fifi is no stranger to a bottle of Pinot Grigio over lunch. 

Anyway, there was radio silence on the WhatsApp after that, with every last stunner all over Google asking what is the best kind of vine to grow in Ireland, if we get a nice run of weather. 

Annette_TheBestYet was first to announce that she was on a flight to Bordeaux, to schmooze with the wine buffs down there and get their advice, the bee-atch. 

I rang this guy who makes Chardonnay in the south of England, but he kept banging on about Brexit so I just hung up. Then it occurred to me — is it actually a good idea to get a vineyard on the Douglas Road, or will I just end up looking like a gowl? 

What do you think, Audrey? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road

My cousin is a wine expert, which is the Ballinlough term for a borderline alcoholic. I rang her there and said, would you drink wine from Douglas? She said, I definitely would if we ran out of toilet duck.

Now listen up, Paddy. I’ve just come from a meeting of the British Establishment where we all dressed up as characters from Bridge Over the River Kwai and spanked each other furiously, while agreeing that you Micks are making complete fools of yourselves with Joe Biden. 

What is it with your spud-munchers and the US Presidents who can’t resist coming over for a visit moments before they launch their re-election campaign? Can you not see that he’s just plain patronising? (I presume you know what patronising means.) 

I’m not sure if you heard, but this Biden character has refused to come over for the coronation of Charles III, saying it’s too far, but he’s perfectly happy to see you lot for a spot of the begorrah. 

Now, I’m no student of Irish history, but I’m sure you must feel this insult to the British crown as strongly as we do here in London. 

I kindly insist that you Paddies take to the streets and tell Joe how upset you are about insulting our monarch, Charles, or Good King Big Ears as we call him at meetings of the British Establishment. 

- Lord Edmund D’Servant-Spanker, London

My cousin Lefty Len has very strong views on American imperialism. I asked him if he’s marching against Joe Biden. He said no. I said why? He said, have you seen the weather?

C’mere, what’s the story with old people on Tinder? My old man is 85, Mam died last year and he’s like a demon on Tinder, going by the name of V 4 Viagra. 

He’s forever bringing these old wans to our place for Sunday dinner, a new one every week, and they’d be all over each other when we’re trying to wolf down the roast chicken. 

It’s hard to keep your appetite intact with that kind of carry-on. Can I tell him no more old dolls? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My mother is big into Tinder. I warned my brother nothing good would come of showing her how to use a smartphone. I said to my mother, is the sex memorable? She said, most of them can barely remember their name.