The importance of female friendship and the power of finding your 'tribe'

Then, during covid, like so many others she began to rethink what friendship really meant. Her truest friends, she realised, were not the ones she had been spending most time with.

Perhaps most pivotal of all to the book, she wonders why we don’t have a language to express the crucial influence platonic friendships have on our lives.

In today’s world, it seems the quest for a romantic partner is prioritised over everything — including our female friendships.

According to global women’s studies lecturer at University of Galway, Stacey Scriver, the set of expectations women have in a romantic relationship can explain why it is often put on a pedestal.

“I think that there are probably significant differences in terms of how we approach or understand romantic relationships versus platonic same-sex friendships,” says Scriver, “because when we look at a potential romantic partner, there is a little bit of an element of a contract consideration in that often-times, particularly in heterosexual relationships. We have an idea of where that relationship might go.

“So whether it is having children, cohabiting or getting married, there’s this idea that certain things need to be in place in order to continue on in that relationship and for that relationship to be successful, and I don’t think it’s quite the same for our friendships. We don’t necessarily have that kind of factual approach to these.”

Research by One4All found that more than half of Irish people said they try to stay in touch with friends they had in their early school years, while 33% revealed they contact them now and again. The same study found that a striking 14% said they no longer see or speak to these friends.

So what happens when friendships naturally begin to drift — or when you might find it’s time to let someone go?

Drifting apart from a friend can actually have its benefits if it is done in a natural way, says Scriver.

“We can allow our friendships to drift without losing them,” she says, “so you might find that you finish college, you go off and maybe one person ends up having children and being busy with that, and someone else is pursuing a career so there’s not much in common anymore, so that external anchor is lost. But you can allow those friendships to drift and then you might find that 10 or 15 years later, you’re actually back in a similar place again, and those friends may come back together again, and once again, you provide the kind of support that you need.

“Trying to hang on to something when it is changing doesn’t necessarily serve us very well. But allowing those friendships to be a bit more fluid and drift as they need to can often actually come back to us in ways that are much more positive.”

However, dating and relationships coach Annie Lavin urges caution here, especially when someone embarks on a new relationship.

“I think a lot of people can lose sight of the people that they were once close with when a partner arrives on the scene,” she explains, “because I think it comes down to a value system that they’re placing on a relationship above a friendship, that, somehow, this new person who they’re only newly getting to know, they’ve ranked higher than the friend.”

The relationship coach has noticed a common thread amongst her single female clients.

“One of the top complaints I would receive from the clients that I work with is the loneliness people feel when their friend has a new partner,” she says. “What compounds people further is that they can’t talk about it for fear of appearing jealous, or too needy.

"The loss of a friendship is a loss like any other and people can really grieve for that friendship. It’s not something people bring attention to but we need to.

"I think when friends witness another friend meeting a partner and they feel somehow ‘left behind,’ they can feel a certain amount of pain. It can also be a reminder to them that ‘it’s happening for this person, but it’s still not happening for me.’ That’s a lot of what I hear in my work as well,” she adds.

The relationship skills facilitator also says that it is important for women of an older age group to continue to look for friends. Because it is never too late.

“I also see people who find that they struggle to create friendships in adulthood,” she shares, “so if you’re of a certain age, and your single friends are dwindling in number, you can start to panic, that’s a reality I see. But I do think it’s important that if you’re single — you need to find your tribe.”