How to keep things merry and bright with your teens over Christmas 

The good news? It is entirely normal to feel you have lost connection with your teen at times. “The parent-child relationship comes under intense strain during the teenage years,” says psychotherapist and author Dr Joanna Fortune.

This, she explains, is partly due to some key developmental changes that can render teens more oppositional and challenging. “But they’re all typical, normal changes that we shouldn’t pathologise.”

Child and adolescent psychotherapist Denise Enright also points to adolescence as a period of profound change, physically and emotionally. 

“Teenagers are naturally more focused on social engagement, they’re seeking increased independence, developing their identity, and navigating complex and intense emotions.”

All of this, says Enright, can leave them feeling overwhelmed or misunderstood — leading to moments where they seem distant or disconnected from parents.

Máirín O’Donovan is a family therapist, registered with Family Therapy Association of Ireland.

She agrees it is essential for teens “to start moving away from us” so they can begin to make their own way.

“It’s a healthy thing, she says. “But it also depends on how distant they become. What’s not good distance is isolation and avoidance, and where every conversation is shut down.”

It is normal, O’Donovan says, to have meeting points with your teen. “It’s about the quality of those meeting points, where they know you are there, available to listen.”

‘Gather and Ground’

The festive season could be a chance to create more of those meeting points. And make them better. Enright says breaking from the usual demands of school and work routines creates downtime — giving opportunities to “gather and ground” and facilitating meaningful interactions and bonding.

“Just hanging out together in a more relaxed way, simply being present with your teen can help them open up more. You also get to do more things together and there tends to be more focus on fun and light-heartedness — this can break down barriers to communication and strengthen bonds.”

Before we can use this time to reconnect, parents must first look at their internal state, says O’Donovan. “What shape are you in coming up to Christmas? What’s your headspace like? If you don’t get this right, your teen will avoid you. 

"Christmas is a very triggering time for people who’ve lost somebody — or whose own childhood was stressful at Christmas.”

She recommends parents ask themselves: Do you see Christmas as a time to enjoy or to ‘get over’? Are you frazzled and feeling restricted because of finances? Are you stressed by the competing demands of your own family and the extended family? It is important, she says, to recognise that these stresses belong to you, and not to your teenager.

“Our children often react to our stress. And then we give out because of their reaction, but their behaviour — whether they’re avoiding us or being irritable and cranky — is showing they’re overwhelmed by our stress.”

O’Donovan says by examining our own internal state we create a space for our teen to join us that is more about them. “You’re present to them, rather than to your own stresses, memories or financial headaches.”

How to re-connect with your teen this Christmas

This is what the experts say:

Enright:

• Listen to understand, versus listening to respond. Show you’ve heard by paraphrasing back or being empathetic. Enquire, without sounding judgmental. Avoid ‘Why are you always on your phone?’ Instead, use ‘I wonder what’s keeping you so busy lately on your phone?’ The more you listen, the more willing they’ll be to talk — teens need to be heard and understood, not judged or given unwanted advice.
• Engage with their world. Your teen is evolving with new interests and tastes. Ask what they like and dislike (favourite music, shows). Being genuinely interested in their world communicates respect for their individuality. Ask them to teach you something they’re skilled at, like a video game.
• Dedicate time together. They may be busy with friends or seem disinterested, but let them know you’d like to spend time with them. Work on negotiating a time that suits you both. Ask your teen to go for a coffee. Ask for their input on ideas for a short ‘date’ — make it a regular thing.

Fortune:

• Think of walks, swims, a drive together, cinema, or staying in and watching a movie.
• Get interested in what’s interesting to them — this communicates that they are interesting and is a great way to drive re-connection. Get a family game that you can all play together, something that balances challenge with silliness.

Team approach

Before chatting with me, O’Donovan asked second-level students about being at home over Christmas. “They were looking forward to spending time with their parents because parents wouldn’t be at work. However, they also said it’s a long break— ‘A lot of time to be with my family’ — so we need to accept that not everyone will be on board all the time.”

O’Donovan suggests:

• Students valued family rituals and shared activities. They remembered being taken to see the Christmas lights, the Christmas swim, watching a film with popcorn and snacks, board games they thought they’d grown out of but enjoyed all the more because their parents were involved.
• What are the memories your family wants to create? Be curious about what they’d like — ‘If this is going to be a good Christmas for you, what would you like to be able to say on January 1?’ Ask what responsibility they’re going to take to make it happen.

Whether it’s decorating the tree or food preparation, teens hate us being the martyr, and we resent ‘doing everything’ while they lounge on the couch. Plan and try a team approach.
Invite opinions and volunteering. Avoid complaining when, in fact, you haven’t negotiated a plan with them in the first place. Remember: They’re tired too at the end of the school term.

Get connected

If re-connecting is your goal, what should you not do?

“Avoid sabotaging the beauty of slowing down by scheduling lots of ‘time together activities’. Your teen will pull away from this. Practice being ‘with’, rather than just ‘doing’,” says Fortune.

“Meet them where they’re at and try to keep doors of connection open. If you want them to get outdoors with you, present it as them doing you a favour — ‘I want to be more active but don’t want to go alone, would you mind coming with me’.”

Enright recommends not being overly intense. “Their life already feels intense to them internally. We don’t need to add to this — it’ll only serve as a disconnector. Employ your sense of humour regularly.”

And the big question: Do they still need you? Yes, they do.

“Parents may think otherwise but they remain the most significant people in their children’s lives,” says O’Donovan.

Enright says: “It’s less about doing things for them — more about being there for them. And while they mightn’t admit it openly, teenagers still crave the unconditional love and acceptance of their parents — and the safety net that ultimately provides.”

Fortune says teens need us so much. “As much as when they were smaller, but now it’s much harder for them to get their needs met by asking for what they need.

“Their important hub of social and emotional development is pulled more towards peers.

“So while they might push us away, they also need to know we’re available to be availed of. Make eye contact, smile at them, tell them you love them, offer a daily hug.

“They may roll their eyes and dismiss you but they know you’re available.”