Joanna Fortune: I would love to have a relationship with my children and grandchildren

I divorced their father, and I think they haven’t forgiven me for that. I’ve worked full-time all my life. 

I would love to have a relationship with my children and grandchildren.

It can be difficult to find ways to stay actively involved in your adult children’s lives without them experiencing you as intrusive. 

Equally, giving genuinely intended advice or feedback can be experienced as criticism, dependent on the tone of voice and the quality of your relationship when delivering it.

No one needs to apologise for having a view. That said, we all need to be mindful of how and when we share that view and be sensitive to how it might land with people around us.

I wonder if you are finding things difficult to navigate because the connection with your adult children is already strained. 

You mention that you have always worked full-time and seem to be held responsible for your divorce and its effect on your family as reasons for this strain. 

But what do your adult children see as the reason?

You could try an exercise whereby you pause and ‘re-story’ the family dynamic solely from what you imagine their perspective. Write this out in their words and then read it aloud.

This exercise doesn’t mean they are right, nor will you suddenly agree with them. 

However, it allows you to immerse yourself in their point of view, giving you a more empathic appreciation of how another person is experiencing you or the situation. 

Approaching a disagreement in a more empathic way can help correct (the problem) within the (emotional) connection.

I don’t know how old your children were when the divorce happened. Children can’t always understand the complexities of adult relationships, even if they were teenagers, and may not understand or appreciate your reasons. 

If the divorce is more recent, they may perceive that the duty of care of their other parent will now fall to them or worry about the other parent being lonely and so on. 

While they may be misinformed, reflecting on their experience and using this awareness to develop an empathic (yet boundaried) way of talking to them about this can be helpful.

You want a better relationship with your children and grandchildren, and I commend you for pursuing this. I understand how distressing it must be for you.

There are ways to strengthen and enhance your relationship with your family. 

For example, consider how you would have liked to receive advice or comments from your parents or parents-in-law and try a new approach. 

You could also explore working with a psychotherapist to process some of your hurts and frustrations. The resulting insights will also help you to change your family dynamics.

I wish you well as you work through this issue. It’s worth the investment.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to parenting@examiner.ie