Expert tips for separated parents on co-parenting peacefully at Christmas

“There has been a period of conflict before the separation and a period of change afterwards: For example, in relation to housing and finance. Sometimes, parents can lose sight of their child because they’re so caught up in the conflict. It’s important for parents to understand that conflict significantly impacts children: The goal should be to minimise it.”

To make co-parenting easier at Christmas, Kelly suggests:

Agree to reduce conflict

“Make it a goal and then shift your focus to what your child needs at this time. All children need a secure basis, and that can get really shaken when there’s a split, yet it’s still possible to make them feel safe and secure. [Prioritise] creating good memories for your child this Christmas.”

Negotiation between parents is ideal

“Try to agree a plan as well in advance as you can and communicate it to your child in a way that shows you — as parents — have thought of them and want to make it nice for them. For younger children, thinking that Santa won’t know where to go on Christmas morning can be very distressing. Agree with their other parent and communicate to them whose house Santa will come to — it might be that he goes to both houses.”

Create an emotionally safe space for your child

“Avoid communicating your adult experience to your children. Resolve to deal later with any differences, resentments, or frustrations between you.”

Reduce any potential for your child to feel worry or guilt

“Children can spend a lot of time over Christmas worrying about the parent who isn’t present. If they’re with Mum, make sure they’re not worrying about Dad, so Dad might say, ‘Well, I’m off to my sister’s, and I’ll see you on St Stephen’s Day and we’ll have a lovely time’. This gives your child permission to be with one parent without feeling guilty about the other.”

How to co-parent

Geraldine Kelly, director of parenting and professional development at One Family, says children can dread Christmas whether parents have only just separated or years before and previous Christmases have been tense.

“If it’s the first Christmas in this new situation, they’ll just want things to be as they were. And if it’s the second or third post-separation, they may dread what they’ve already experienced as a time of conflict.

“These arguments are almost always about the children, and children are aware that their parents are fighting over them as if they’re a product: ‘Who’s going to get them’.”

Geraldine Kelly gives the following guidelines for co-parenting at Christmas:

According to the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, time with parents — and a relationship with parents — is a right of your child, not the right of the parent. “It’s the child’s right to have a relationship with both parents. Sometimes, if there’s domestic violence or abuse, it can be unsafe to do so, but in many situations both parents are capable of parenting. Parents have to be open to how the child will spend that time with both parents.”

Talk with your child. “Capture your child’s voice, opinions, and views on what they would like to happen at Christmas.”

Kelly points to research with children as young as five years, which highlights that they believe strongly in their right to be heard, but do not want the power to decide post-separation or divorce arrangements, particularly when this involves making choices between their parents.

“This means parents should ‘collect up’ their child’s views, but parents should then decide the plan.”

Talk with your child’s other parent, but don’t have these discussions in front of your child. “Ask your co-parent what they hope Christmas will look like and then negotiate on contact. Use assertive communication skills. Try not to jump in straightaway with a ‘no’ to what they hope for. Think, ‘What does my child need?’ This is separate from, ‘What I want as an adult’.

“You may not love the plan, but can you live with it if it’s the best way for both of you to meet your child’s needs?”

Think of Christmas as being more than just one day. “Adults’ focus can be on December 25, on where the child wakes up on Christmas morning and where Santa will have arrived. But for young children, Christmas starts on the first day of the holidays and goes right up to when they go back to school.

“When we think about our Christmas childhood memories, we think of the day we went to the pantomime, the day we got a fizzy drink and Taytos, the day we went ice-skating or met our cousins. Santa is in there, but he’s not the only memory.

“Move out of a space where you’re saying, ‘This is what has to happen’. We’re in a new family form now. Let’s come up with some new traditions that work for us, but really support our children’s needs. 

Think about new traditions: What could happen on Christmas Eve, on St Stephen’s Day? And parents get to feel they’re spending quality time with their children.

“Let children know what’s happening as soon as possible, so they can enjoy the lead-up to Christmas.”

Watch for the ‘one more thing’ that can lead to conflict. Let part of your Christmas planning be about the gifts. “Talk about what’s appropriate to spend. Perhaps you’re getting separate gifts or splitting the cost on joint ones. Agree on who’s buying what and when to have it done by.”

Be aware that conflict between partners can make it difficult for you to see each other as parents. “The role of parents is different from the partner role; these can get intertwined where they’re not. Separation is full of emotion. People are very hurt. One may have planned the separation, while the other’s on the back foot. Don’t allow this to interfere with a child’s spending time with both parents, where it’s safe to do so. Champion each other as parents, separate from your conflict as partners. Your ex might be unfaithful or useless with the bills, but do they have a good relationship with their child?”

Explore, if you can, putting your feelings aside and sharing parenting by sharing joint time at Christmas. “Can you both visit Santa with your child? Can you both be in the same home on Christmas morning to open the gifts?

“Over the years, I’ve seen parents agree that Dad will come over to Mum’s at 6am on Christmas Day, so he’s there when the children wake up and he stays for the present-opening and breakfast and then leaves and picks the children up on St Stephen’s Day. And it might rotate the following year. Because parents hate missing out on that moment where the children are so amazed that Santa has arrived.”

Be flexible. Compromise. “If your child is with you and they want to phone the other parent, let them. Don’t try to control every aspect. Give children some control over how they can reach out to the other parent.

“And help your child get a present for the other parent. It might just be a little knick-knack. Realise it’s not that you’re giving a present to the other parent: You’re doing this for your child.”

Seek professional support. “Lots of parents need huge support to process their hurt around the separation, so it doesn’t interfere with the child’s relationship with the other parent. There’s a time, if you’re struggling, to say, ‘This is too much. I need professional support’.”

Check out exa.mn/guidelines-separated-parents