Colman Noctor: Building bridges with extended family paves the way for confident children
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Child Psychotherapist
My youngest son turned ten last week, and we had some cake to celebrate his birthday at my parents’ house. It was one of those rare occasions when my siblings and their children were free to come. My son commented afterwards how great it was to have “everyone in the same room”. It reminded me how important it is to make time for those shared experiences with extended family members.
When I was growing up, my aunts, uncles, and grandparents regularly visited our house. Whether it was my grandparents visiting for Sunday dinner or Uncle John, who always arrived with a pack of Rolos for my sisters and me, we got to know our extended family very well. These experiences made me more secure and confident in the company of adults. However, this is not the case with my children, who have little exposure to their extended family on my side, as, like many others, my parents and siblings do not live nearby.
Then there’s the broader issue of being a much more insular society, meaning children miss out on experiences that enhance their ‘people skills’ and forge relationships that could stand for them as they navigate the adult world.
In my clinic, I often encourage young people to enlist the help of an aunt, uncle, or older cousin to support them through something they prefer not to discuss with their parents. This advice links back to the ‘one good adult’ concept that young people need in their lives to navigate challenging experiences. Often, if a source of conflict or distress for a young person concerns or involves their parents, they need someone else to support them. Their influence can vary based on proximity, frequency of interaction, and relationship quality, but regardless, they can offer something unique and important to most children.
According to a 2024 study by Canadian psychologist Veronica Lonogo and colleagues, extended family members provide substantial support in daily childcare responsibilities, emotional support, discipline, practical assistance, and health and safety. The researchers also found that cultural beliefs significantly influence child-rearing practices, with extended families playing a crucial role in transmitting traditions, values, and language.
They can also offer children alternative perspectives to their parents by sharing their experiences, values, and wisdom, giving them a broader view of life. Their awareness of the shortcomings of the child’s parents gives them a unique understanding of the relationship struggle the young person may be experiencing.
Family members can be effective mediators or advocates between parents and their children. Their objective position can allow them to mediate disputes between parents and children or among siblings. Grandparents, in particular, might advocate for a child’s needs with the parents.
Cultural traditions
I remember a teenage girl who struggled with her parents’ strict rules around independence and freedom — clashes were a regular occurrence. A conversation with her aunt helped her to understand that their mother’s strictness was based on her longstanding anxieties. The aunt’s perspective enabled her to see her mother’s actions in a different light, helping the teenager engage more productively with her mother, which resulted in a loosening of the rules and greater freedom. The aunt’s intervention was a gamechanger for this mother and daughter, who had previously been at loggerheads with each other.
Extended family can also help ground children in their cultural and family traditions. Grandparents, in particular, are often the keepers of family history and traditions, assisting children to develop a sense of identity and belonging.
As a child, I loved to hear stories about my parents when they were younger. Uncles on my father’s side of the family were excellent storytellers, and I used to listen attentively as they spoke about my Dad playing GAA or getting in trouble in school when he was younger. These stories allowed me to see my parents as ‘real people’.
We often get blinkered and see our parents as just mam and dad and forget that they had or have identities outside of those roles. Knowing their past offers perspective and a better understanding of each other.
Being separated from our extended family means we are more likely to lose out on storytelling that links us to a shared past. This skill is vital to our understanding of ourselves and our world.
Spending time with extended family members and familial communities enhances children’s social development by exposing them to intergenerational relationships. These interactions help children develop respect and empathy for older generations and gain an understanding of their origins.
Many years ago, we greeted people and asked, ‘what is your name?’ and ‘where are you from?’. Disclosing a name and hometown told us much about who they were and their community. These days, the initial greeting question is often, ‘what do you do?’.
This change is a pity, as I would prefer to be associated with who I am rather than what I do.
Because extended family members can ‘hand the children back’, their temporary involvement can mean the relationship becomes a source of creativity and fun. They are not tasked with doing homework, insisting on bedtimes, or ensuring the children finish their vegetables. This ease allows them to help children explore creativity and enjoy life when parents are often too busy or preoccupied to do so.
Anyone who lives far away from their family of origin will recognise that extended family members are also a source of practical support. They can act as backup caregivers and step in during emergencies or when parents are unavailable. As I type this column, my mother and father are travelling for an hour to pick up my children from school as I must be in Dublin later in the day for work.
Geographic restrictions
Children’s diminishing contact with their extended family is due to societal, cultural, and technological factors, the most common of which is geographic mobility. Families are increasingly moving for work, education, or lifestyle reasons, often far from their extended family. Urbanisation and globalisation have made multi-generational living far less common, with nuclear families becoming the norm.
Parents and children often have packed schedules with work, school, and extracurricular activities, leaving less time for visiting extended family. Aunts, uncles, and grandparents may also have demanding careers or other obligations. And smaller family sizes mean fewer aunts, uncles, and cousins, reducing opportunities for children to interact with extended family.
Divorce, remarriage, and blended families can complicate relationships with extended family members, sometimes leading to reduced contact. The most recent census indicates a significant increase in the number of divorced individuals. More than 87,704 people in Ireland are now legally divorced, double the number recorded 10 years ago. In my clinics, family conflicts or estrangements are more common, limiting interactions that young children often find difficult to understand and come to terms with.
Housing is a significant issue driving extended families apart. According to the Irish Central Bank, the population has risen so much in the past decade that three in four people cannot find a property to rent or buy, meaning living where you were born or raised is not an option for many.
Families may also rely on virtual communication tools like video calls and social media to stay connected to extended family members. While convenient, these tools do not replace the depth of in-person interaction. Children may also spend more time engaging with digital devices, leaving less room for family-oriented activities. According to the Cyber Safe Kids report, ‘Left to their own devices’, in 2023/24, 94% of children aged eight to 12 in Ireland have access to smart devices. Earlier reports highlighted that nearly 25% of six-year-olds already own smartphones.
Losing cultural and familial connections can weaken ties to family traditions, values, and history. This is a significant loss and something worthy of our attention. Research by sociology professor Mads Meier Jaeger at the University of Copenhagen found that extended family helps reinforce cultural values, traditions, and family identity. Also, regular interactions with extended relatives can strengthen a child’s connection to their heritage and provide diverse perspectives.
As the Christmas season approaches, perhaps this is an ideal time to consider ways to reconnect with extended family members. While societal changes have made extended family interactions less frequent, deliberate efforts can help preserve these valuable connections. These family connections enrich children’s lives with the unique support and wisdom only extended family can provide. They help our children better understand who they are and where they come from. Extended family can also provide mentorship and help guide children in education, careers, or relationships based on their life experiences.
Aunts, uncles, and grandparents can enrich a child’s development through love, support, and a unique blend of wisdom and fun. Their involvement can profoundly shape a child’s emotional and social growth, which is worth encouraging, nourishing and enabling.
- Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist