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Child Psychotherapist

I’m looking forward to the Christmas holidays but dreading the bickering between my three daughters. The eldest two are in their teens, and the youngest is going through the difficult tween stage. Almost every weekend, there’s an argument about stolen makeup, missing clothes, or whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher. I try to keep out their squabbles but step in if the youngest is being bullied. We’re at home all Christmas week, and I’m worried about the tension escalating between the girls.

Feelings run high at this time of year, but with a house full of teenagers, they tend to run high most of the time. At this stage of development, their frustration threshold is very low, leading to outbursts and flashpoints of anger and arguments.

Christmas brings increased family time and a break from many outside activities. In many ways, this is good and something we all can benefit from. Still, if you are a teenager, when the hub of your social and emotional development is moving away from family and towards friends and the outside world, this can be a very intense time.

Structure is key to surviving what can be a potentially tricky time. It is not about ‘rules’ because rules are often rigid and inflexible. By the time we feel the need to impose rules at home, it is generally evidence of our own frustration. Structure relies more on flexibility — it is adaptable and bends without breaking. It is about providing physical and emotional scaffolding within which people can express themselves without situations (or people) getting out of control. In other words, it’s about boundaries.

Effective structure requires planning. You say that you will all be at home for Christmas week, so it is essential you build in time out of the house. I would suggest you rotate the child you are taking out so that everyone gets a break from each other during the week.

Find a reason to get up and out; perhaps it’s just for a walk or an errand you must attend to. If it is a walk (keep in mind physical activity and movement is a great way to reset busy, fraught, tense brains and activate the parts associated with emotional regulation). Set a week-long challenge for who can build up the most steps or time outdoors and put some reward or incentive on the table (cinema tickets, makeup set, etc.).

I am a big fan of family playtime as it promotes collaboration and friendly competition. Consider family board games suitable for older children (CogstoysandGames.ie has an excellent range).

I also advocate for “kitchen therapy”— getting them involved in making the dream leftover sandwich or baking a gingerbread house is a sensory-rich, nurturing activity.

Another tactic to consider is sitting together and saying how much you look forward to spending time as a family over Christmas. Add that you want to ensure everyone gets along as well as possible, and they can seek you out for support if anyone gets on their nerves.

Finally, and most importantly, take care of yourself. Develop strategies for taking walks with your partner or a friend to get a break from bickering.