Colman Noctor: Being kind to others is a win-win

People who experienced warm and loving relationships with their parents at age three not only tended to have fewer mental-health problems during early childhood and adolescence, but also displayed heightened ‘pro-social’ tendencies, or socially desirable behaviours intended to benefit others, such as kindness, empathy, helpfulness, generosity, and volunteering.

Katsantonis said, “So much of this comes back to parents... How much they can spend time with their children and respond to their needs and emotions early in life matters enormously.”

There is a danger that promoting kindness could result in a child becoming a ‘people-pleaser’. While I recognise the risks, the two concepts are fundamentally different. Kindness is a healthy, mutual, and respectful way of interacting with others, while people-pleasing is often a form of self-neglect driven by fear of rejection or insecurity. Practising kindness with clear boundaries helps you maintain healthy relationships and self-respect and should not be conflated with being a ‘pushover’.

Teach by example

I try to role model kindness as much as possible to my children and explain the benefits of being kind to themselves and everyone else.

They are too young to have in-depth knowledge or interest in what I do for a living, but know I try to help people through tough times. While none of them has expressed any interest in becoming a psychotherapist, I hope they see it as a worthwhile profession and are aware we can never know what someone else is going through and how being kind can make a difference.

I also encourage my children to understand the importance of being sympathetic and empathetic towards those who are less fortunate. 

I balance this by not overwhelming them with a sense of responsibility, for example, for the children of Palestine or Ukraine.

In an increasingly individualist world that places far more emphasis on the ‘I’ than the ‘we’, it is more challenging for children to be aware of the value of reaching out to others.

While we have made many strides in diversity and inclusion, I worry that this has become performative and risks becoming more about ‘being seen to be doing’ rather than something you intrinsically know is what you ‘should do’.

We need to ensure that kindness does not become conflated with ‘virtue signalling’ and heed the words of the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche in his book Human, All Too Human (1878): “When expressions of pity make the unfortunate man aware of this superiority, he gets a kind of pleasure from it; his self-image revives.”

Kindness is not about moral superiority. It is about being compassionate and considerate and offering support to others in an authentic, meaningful, and often understated way. Some of the kindest people I have met don’t seek recognition for their efforts and are usually embarrassed when it is pointed out.

Kindness a win win

We need to demonstrate and reward children for small acts of kindness and teach them what ‘being kind’ looks like.

It can be holding a door for someone, offering to put away groceries, or something as simple as turning off the lights.

Children learn through observation, recognition, and repetition. As parents, we need to role model this behaviour consistently, catch our children when they are being kind, and respond with positive comments.

A term recently gaining popularity is ‘acts of service’, which seems to be a modern iteration of traditional kindness. While it’s encouraging this has become a popular term, I worry this also could become something performative and done for show, instead of something that naturally feels right.

I call this ‘narcissistic altruism’, as the act of kindness or service aims to promote the person’s image. For example, when someone gives money to a homeless person, but takes a photo of themselves doing it and posts it on social media. This is an extrinsic motivator and undermines the act’s authenticity.

For kindness to be authentic, it must be intrinsic. The best way to foster genuine kindness in children is to demonstrate it to them. Also, let them know that being kind can help them feel better about themselves, not as a boost to their ego or profile, but as a way of achieving meaning and purpose that improves their sense of self-worth.

Kindness is not a selfless act — assisting others has powerful effects on our emotional, mental, and even physical wellbeing. When you engage in acts of kindness, it not only benefits the recipient, but also enhances your sense of happiness and fulfilment.

Acts of kindness can trigger the release of feel-good chemicals, like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin (often called the ‘helper’s high’), and some research has shown that helping others significantly boosts overall life satisfaction.

We are bombarded with messages that encourage ‘putting yourself first’ and ‘being selfish’ as ways of feeling better. However, this ignores a crucial fact: One of the best ways to feel better about yourself is to be of service to other people.

Acts of kindness can deepen our bonds with others, fostering trust, gratitude, and mutual respect, making us feel more connected and less lonely.

From a biological perspective, kindness can activate regions in the brain associated with pleasure, social bonding, and trust, reinforcing the idea that humans are wired to benefit from cooperation and compassion.

In a world where so much exists in the realm of the extreme, it is essential to know that kindness does not have to be a ‘grand gesture.’ Simply smiling at someone, holding a door, or asking someone how they are doing are acts of kindness that matter.

Setting an example

If you want your child to be kind, consistency is key. If they see those around them valuing kindness and being willing to offer support and compassion to others, they will see that it is an important way to approach life, and learn that kindness is a verb.

Ways to encourage your child to be kind:

• Role modelling: Be kind in your words and actions to others and yourself
• Talk about feelings: Discussing emotions can help your child understand and empathise with others in difficult situations
• Praise kind actions: Acknowledge when your child acts kindly. But avoid over-praising

For older children:

• Develop a sense of social consciousness: Encourage teenagers to be aware of others who are vulnerable or disadvantaged;
• Practice gratitude: Teach your teenager to recognise and appreciate the good in their life
• Explain the benefits: Being kind to others expands self-worth, and volunteering is a good way to experience the benefits of being of service to others.

The season of goodwill is an ideal time to celebrate acts of kindness, so to acknowledge this, the Irish Examiner has teamed up with SVP to create the Little Acts of Kindness initiative to help raise funds for this important charity.

So, this Christmas, when there is so much talk of lavish gifts, let’s remember that an act of kindness is one of the greatest gifts we can give each other and one of the most important qualities we can pass on to our children.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist