Racism: moving from fear and prejudice to learning and celebration
With Chrissie Wife Home L Gareth Chaney Children, To (4), Clonskeagh, Their R, At Dublin Buckley Georgie Jonah & His (1) Lauren & Photo: Conor In (3),
Conor Buckley's three-year-old, Chrissie, never describes her black doll’s ‘skin’ colour. “She says, ‘Will you get me my doll with the pink dress?’ or, ‘My doll with the basket’,” said the father of three.
His children never ask why a person has brown skin. And if they do, it’s OK, because curiosity is to be valued.
“I’d keep the response simple and truthful, if they did ask the why of skin colour. I’d say, ‘Their parents lived in a country that’s a lot warmer than Ireland, and that’s why they have more pigmentation in their skin’.”
Conor, the son of the late activist Christine Buckley, does not worry that his children will encounter racism.
“They are lighter than me, so they’re unlikely to face the type of racism I received.”
Ahead of World Children’s Day, tomorrow — the theme is ‘inclusion, for every child’ — Buckley believes parents genuinely want inclusiveness.
“They want to know the right thing to say to their child.
“What we all need to do is celebrate difference and make difference a great thing. When my brother was small, he asked my mum, ‘Why can’t I look like everyone else?’ And she said, ‘Isn’t it great you look different? It’s what makes the world a wonderful, brilliant place’.”
He once asked a friend why some people name-call with racist slurs and the reply was that they ‘never had any friends outside their bubble’. Buckley loves that Ireland is now so multicultural. “But we become inter-cultural with engagement between different communities.”
Buckley, the founder of sustainable clothing company Human Collective, has run workshops on how to be an advocate, not just an ally.
He invited everybody at one workplace to write down one thing that set them apart.
And he asked them to jot down a change or action they could take to reach out to someone ‘different’.
He encourages parents to ensure their children watch television shows with different ethnicities in the cast.
“Make sure they’re playing with dolls that are black and brown. Invite somebody from another culture to their birthday party.”
He urges parents to be mindful of how they speak about people from different cultures or racialised minorities, or people from any kind of ‘different’ background or situation.
“Curiosity is really important. Ask yourself why you think a certain way. Stop and check, because unconscious bias, unchecked, leads to prejudice and discrimination.”
Psychotherapist Bethan O’Riordan and toddler-behaviour expert Stef McSherry, of Kinderama, recently launched a three-part series of their Mum Mind podcast, entitled ‘Talking Racism with Children’.
They did so because of a sense of “a world increasingly torn by conflict, surges in racist attacks, and right-wing movements”.
They created the series after asking their Instagram followers two questions: ‘What do you need to know about racism? What are the questions you’re afraid to ask, but want to address with your child?’
“Most respondents said they don’t know how to talk to their children about skin colour. They wanted to know what to say if their child comes home and says something racist,” says O’Riordan, who counsels against “trying to shush it away, because of a sense of shame”, or of reacting with any kind of anger.
“Try to get to the root of the bias: ‘That’s really interesting. Where did you hear that, who said it, what do you think they meant by it?’ Try to unpick it. Children pick up words and terminologies all around them.”
O’Riordan says parents can sometimes underestimate their influence over their children. “Parents lead the family. They influence their children, who influence communities. We don’t realise how powerful we are as parents.”
She encourages parents to look at the people they are influenced by. “Look at your social-media feed. Is there diversity in the people you follow… Following the ‘Black and Irish’ Instagram page — something really practical on a day-to-day level — is one of the best things I did.”
She urges against ‘othering’ your child within the family. “Raise your children so they don’t have to point a finger at others to feel good about themselves. It’s about how we ‘give out’ to our children. How can we not shame them?”
Adding that we all — children and teens included — have bits we don’t like about ourselves, O’Riordan recommends saying, ‘I get that about you, and I’ll help you with that’, so that children can be OK in themselves. “The more confident a child is in themselves, the better, rather than [their experiencing] a voice of blame that becomes a lack of tolerance for others.”
Co Cork-based mother of four Emma* is married to a Nigerian man. Her children — the oldest is 10 — “are 50% Irish, 50% Nigerian. They describe themselves as ‘mixed race’.”
Having children of mixed heritage has not been plain sailing. “When one of my sons was in pre-school, a boy said, ‘I’m not going to sit next to him or touch his hand, because he’s brown’. I immediately went to the teacher, and the parents were talked to. It never happened again,” says Emma.
In primary school, another son had ‘the N word’ said to him. “Collecting him from school, I knew straightaway something had happened. I told the class teacher and the principal, and I said it isn’t just affecting my son, it affects the whole family. They promised it wouldn’t happen again, and it didn’t with that particular boy. The boy’s mother said they don’t say any of that stuff at home; she didn’t know where it came from. And now my son is best friends with that boy.”
However, two of Emma’s children continue to experience racism at school. “Not just remarks about skin colour, but spitting as well. I don’t think it’s happening with just my child; other children of colour are in the school, too. So I suggested [to teachers] to educate the whole school group about it.”
Anne Walsh, equality and intercultural programme manager with the National Youth Council of Ireland, often hears from young people who experience racism at school that the hardest thing is not having it recognised.
A Red C poll conducted by NYCI in 2021 found that 18–24-year-olds were more likely than other age groups to see racial discrimination as an important issue.
Walsh believes that Ireland has “relied too heavily on its own myth of being less racist than other countries”.
The Red C poll also found that 64% of 18- to 24-year-olds believe racism is more significant in other countries.
“This belief may have [negated] the serious impact racism has on racialised groups in Ireland and subsequently a lack of action in tackling it.”
Walsh says part of combating racism is about having comfortable terminology. “There can be reluctance to name things. People always ask, ‘Is it OK to say black or Traveller?’
"As long as we don’t use the words, people become invisible, because there’s a tacit understanding that ‘we don’t talk about that’.”
Walsh recently asked a teenager of colour how best parents can encourage children to be inclusive.
“He said, ‘Just say, “That kid over there looks nice.” Go and talk to him’. And then, he said, ‘The best way to be inclusive is for it to be innate and unconscious, and it’s never just about ethnicity; it will be about any difference’.”
As Conor Buckley puts it: “Some people are left-handed, some right-footed, some are black, some people are very good at football, others at music. Just celebrate difference in everyone.”
* Name changed
- Find the ‘Mum Mind’ podcast on networks including Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and Acast.
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