Colman Noctor: Children thrive when they get our undivided attention
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The year before Center Parcs Longford Forest opened in 2019, it commissioned a study to understand what brings families together.
I was a consultant to this study and we uncovered interesting insights into what children and parents perceive as ‘quality time’.
Center Parcs Ireland re-commissioned the Family Togetherness Index to mark its fifth anniversary.
Like the previous one, it was nationally representative and carried out among parents of children aged 16 and under.
I returned as a consultant to the study and was interested in finding out what families’ current experience of quality time was like considering the pandemic and subsequent lockdowns during the intervening period.
There was a widespread belief that the forced ‘pause’ brought about by the pandemic was a positive experience for families who had become busy and rushed.
But nobody anticipated the pause period would last so long. Over that time, many spoke about how they had a new appreciation of our need for social connection.
People were troubled when they could not connect with their family and friends in person and many pledged never to take it for granted again.
I was intrigued to see if the study results would find a resurgence in our sense of community and togetherness.
Or whether, as soon as the pause button was lifted, we would all return to the pre-pandemic habit of rushing from activity to activity without pausing for a breath.
The Family Togetherness Index 2024 revealed that quality time is more central to many families in Ireland.
Some 68% of respondents reported satisfaction with the amount of time they spend as a family, compared to 65% in the first index.
I remember a girl saying “baking cookies” with her mother was when she felt most connected to her parents, and another boy spoke about when his dad built a fort using the cushions from the couch as a time when he felt more connected to him.
No children reported that the marquee in the garden with 100 guests for their Holy Communion was a time when they experienced peak family togetherness.
Across all the themes in this year’s study, the moments of connection were about the uninterrupted availability of parental time.
We often mention the concept of ‘undivided attention’ but I am not sure we pay enough attentino to its central importance to children.
In a world where our attention has never been more distracted, the concept of ‘undivided attention’ has never been more critical.
During the summer, I wrote about our happy family holiday, made possible because we were free from the daily demands that can sap our spontaneity and energy.
Not having to answer emails, rush a family meal to get to soccer training on time, or not having to do dreaded homework worksheets gave us stress-free time together.
Unsurprisingly, the family holiday was voted by 35% of parents as the most significant opportunity to reconnect with their children and families, with almost all (96%) reporting they felt more connected with their families after their break.
Nearly half (46%) of the parents surveyed said they experienced more quality time with their children since the first index.
Interestingly, “more flexible working arrangements” was the most common reason cited as to why this was possible.
While more flexible working arrangements post-pandemic allow for more time with our families when we have fewer commutes during the week, I would query whether this is an intrusion into family life.
Working from home is synonymous with not having to go to work; it also means your work has a greater presence in your family home.
However, while more parents (64%) are now satisfied with their work-life balance than the first index (59%), 35% said they were unhappy with theirs and would like more quality time with their family during the week.
In recent years much has been spoken about the importance of movement and activity for our mental wellbeing, and the message seems to be getting through.
More than two-thirds (69%) of families reported being physically active together, with swimming (41%), soccer (33%), and GAA (29%) being the most common physical activities that children participate in with their parents.
This finding points to the benefits of children taking part in a sport. Children who play sports with clubs and teams are more likely to play them with their parents outside of the scheduled sessions for training and matches.
Aside from physical activity, another moment that can be relied upon to deliver togetherness is a family holiday, with 63% of participants reporting peak togetherness the day a holiday begins.
The 2024 Family Togetherness Index revealed that families feel more connected now than six years ago. Four in five (80%) of parents feel genuinely connected with their children frequently, an increase from 72% in 2018.
Quality of communication was central to feeling more connected. Notably, “conversation around the things they enjoy doing” was crucial to children, with 69% explicitly mentioning it. Children still consider talking with their parents crucially important to their connection.
We can also get caught up in the busyness of life, going from one task to the next. I remember being part of a conversation with a mother and daughter who were having relationship problems some years ago, where the daughter told her mother that she felt “invisible”.
Her mother got understandably defensive and started listing everything she did for her. “I bring you to camogie, gymnastics, and grinds,” to which the daughter interrupted and said: “But you never ask me about them.”
This mother-daughter exchange taught me that engaging in a conversation about how our children are experiencing the world is crucial.
The importance of conversations occurring in families again was reflected in the survey, where children reported that talking about activities at school (65%) and their friends (60%) were the top topics they liked to discuss with their parents.
While some parents say that not all teens discuss their social lives with their parents, I am convinced that most will notice whether they have been asked about them.
- Try to carve out time to spend uninterrupted time as a family, even if this means scheduling time where no other clashes exist.
- Avoid distractions such as answering emails on phones and role-model commitment to the shared activity.
- Focus on experiences that improve connection. Any activity encouraging communication, conversation, and communal focus is ideal for creating meaningful family experiences.
- Children appreciate experiences that create memories more than things that create entertainment. There’s no need to go to great expense to create connectedness — time together is where heart-to-heart connections happen.
- Don’t expect family time to go perfectly. Sometimes perfection is forgettable. It is often in the things that don’t go to plan that memories are made. Embrace the hiccups and remember that the more perfect you want things to go, the more pressure you apply to the activity and the less likely you are to create relaxed opportunities for fun.
In a busy world of distraction, hectic schedules, and the need to ‘do everything’, it is essential to remember that children value our attention more than anything else.
They don’t tend to remember you putting together extravagant party bags for their birthday or buying them a games console or smartphone.
Instead, they remember you building a fort with the cushions from the couch. Why? Because what is essential is not what you do for them but what you do with them.
- Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist