Joanna Fortune: Our son won't compete if he thinks someone else will win

Maybe this is just a phase, but we are afraid he will miss out on wonderful opportunities in the future because he deems it a win-lose scenario. He has no problem joining in at team training or matches.

This need to 'be the best' is pervasive across our society, and there is no quick fix. However, there are some things you can do. Super competitive children benefit from additional attention, just not from their winning. They will often use winning to bring positive focus onto themselves. We can help this mindset by always responding to their effort regardless of the outcome. Praising effort over outcome also has a more meaningful and sustained impact on their self-esteem. Focus on giving him feedback based on how well he passed the ball to teammates, how you loved seeing him laugh and have fun, how he showed great listening skills, etc.

The other thing we often see with super competitive children is high perfectionistic tendencies. In your son’s case, this appears to be self-oriented perfectionism, whereby he holds himself to very high standards and only engages in family games if he can be guaranteed mastery. This can result in a child retaining residual stress in their bodies.

One of the most effective ways to release this tension is to have a good belly laugh. This should not involve tickle-induced laughter (as this is too stimulating and can be uncomfortable) but rather play that evokes fun and laughter.

Bring some silliness into your family play. For example, play football together, but see if you do it while hopping on one leg or with your hand behind your back. Go for a walk together, but do so with animal walks — walk like an ape, a lion or an elephant as you go. 

Rhythm and synchrony are effective ways to promote connection and also activate parts of the brain associated with emotional regulation. Have a family disco, put on some music and everyone just dances around together, flailing limbs, spinning, really letting loose for the duration of a song or two.

When he is frustrated or disappointed because an activity hasn’t gone as planned, practice A&E (acceptance and empathy). Just be with him in these feelings, don’t try to fix or explain or reassure, just be with him.

 Hold space for his disappointment and let him know he is not alone with those difficult feelings. Respond with nurture here. Think of snuggly sofa activities like curling up under a blanket and watching a movie with a snack. In the end, share ideas as to what scenes you would delete and what you would add instead, or what new character you would each create and insert into the movie and how that would change the story.

It is also good for our children to see us take a risk by engaging in an activity that we are not all that good at but do because we enjoy participating.

Also, allow him to see and observe you being playful and having fun together as parents because seeing such positive interactions between parents can also boost a child’s sense of self.  

Building his confidence, strengthening his self-esteem, and promoting collaborative over competitive play at home will all help support him beyond the limits of super-competitiveness.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to parenting@examiner.ie