Joanna Fortune: My young daughter keeps telling lies, is this normal?

Lying will typically increase between the ages of four and six, but it is not until about eight that a child will get away with not telling the truth. Before this, they tend to get caught or even own up to the lie themselves.

White lies (harmless, mostly told with good intentions to protect the feelings of another) in small doses are generally OK. Lying can be pro-social because we care, want to do good, and are

compassionate. I suggest you view your daughter’s lies as another developmental stage to parent her through by being calm and consistent, gentle yet firm.

The next time she lies about the small stuff, here are some tips:

• Emphasise the importance of telling the truth in your family. Be more interested in the value of being truthful and almost uninterested in the lie.
• Use paradox by indirectly calling out the lie, but not in a shaming way. For example: ‘That’s a great story you’re telling. You are so good at making up stories. I bet you could write a book of stories you’ve made up.’

• Exaggerate the lie and make jokes — take their lead and embellish the lie they’re telling to make a joke out of it.
• Praise them for owning up and telling you the truth. Say something like, ‘I like it when you’re honest’. The important part is that they own up.
• Read books or stories with a life lesson about lying (The Boy Who Cried Wolf is a classic one) and ask your child what they thought about the story afterwards. Later, if they lie, you can ask if they remember what happened to the boy who cried wolf.
• When a lie concerns the bigger and more important issues, you need to address it head-on, which does not mean with force.
• Try to reassure them that telling the truth will not get them into trouble.
• Tell them that you can help them with their lying habit.
• Talk calmly about the issue. To buy yourself time to process and develop a plan, you may need to say: ‘I just need to think about what you’ve told me for a few minutes and then we can talk some more about it.’

• If the lie pertains to their or another’s safety, you must act on it in the first instance and involve relevant parties.

In general, though, lying in young children is a passing phase. You might find this episode of my podcast helpful: exa.mn/15-Minute-Lying-children

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to parenting@examiner.ie