Joanna Fortune: My toddler is not happy about the new arrival
Mother Sleeping Baby Him Kissing Small Brother Holding At A Newborn A Boy Home, A
Children often struggle to adjust when a significant life change occurs, as a new baby certainly is for any family.
Your little boy has found himself displaced by the arrival of his baby sister.
You describe good days and bad days and that makes sense because it’s not so much the baby he has the issue with, it is the impact the new arrival is having on his life that he is struggling with.
He once had all your undivided attention, and now he must share it with his sibling. He understandably resents that right now. And I agree with you that he will adjust, albeit this is taking him some time.
When you ask what you can do to make things a bit easier for him, I suggest you start by taking care of yourself to ensure you are within your own window of tolerance (the emotional range where things feel good, comfortable, and in control).
You are parenting a busy toddler and a new baby, which must sometimes leave you feeling tired and over-stretched. We need to activate our network to lean in and support us in situations like these.
The ‘play-date’ arrangement with your mother is a good example. She takes your little boy and gives him her full attention, and he is enjoying this connection because she is within his attachment network.
Keep this arrangement up, and if she can provide another few hours of childcare weekly, ask her to do so even for the next few months.
This time will help establish a routine and rhythm for parenting two small children. Experiment with what works best for you, such as:
- Getting up half an hour before the house wakes up to get the morning tasks prepped or staying up half an hour later so you can get a head-start on the next day;
- Ask your partner or a family member to help batch-cook a few meals. This can save you time during the week and make dinners easier to manage;
- Connect with a friend and ensure that at least one day per week, you get to do something just for you, such as a walk, coffee, or class. Prioritise this time for yourself.
Beyond taking proactive steps, the best thing you can do for your boy right now to help him adjust is to ring-fence some playtime each day with him.
Please do not read this as ‘another thing you must do’ in your busy day.
Instead, consider setting aside just 15 minutes each day when you can be fully available to be with him; playing at his level and enjoying him will help him to know that he will be getting ‘all’ of you for some time each day.
This time window makes you predictably available and means he won’t be so frustrated. Small changes can make big differences.
- You might find this podcast episode helpful: exa.mn/15-Minute-Playful
- If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to parenting@examiner.ie