Joanna Fortune: My daughter doesn't understand why her autistic brother gets extra privileges
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Your letter highlights the difference between ‘equality’ and ‘equity’.
What matters in a family is that everyone’s needs are met as best as possible. Of course, every child differs, and some present with more pronounced needs, requiring a higher response level.
It’s critical that their needs are met at the correct level. This is an equitable response, but that doesn’t mean it is equal—very often, it is not.
Your daughter is at the age when children develop a pronounced sense of justice and fairness. She correctly sees that her brother gets certain flexibility and allowances from you that she does not.
She needs help understanding that you are not giving him ‘more’ than her, but rather that his needs are different from hers, and what is best for her is not the same as what is best for him.
Be aware that your explanation may not be met with insight and agreement, so approach her from a place of acceptance and empathy. Accept her truth: She feels she is being treated and parented differently than her brother.
Empathise at how frustrating and unfair that can feel. Acknowledge that you always try your best to get this right and ensure they each get what they need, but, sometimes, you will get it wrong.
Say she can always come to you and talk something through if she doesn’t understand why you’ve said no or if she disagrees. You will be happy to hear her perspective and think about it from her point of view. And even if the outcome doesn’t change, she will be heard by you.
You could say, for example: “You’re right. Your brother does have different rules around gaming time than you do. I know that it is, because he finds certain things much harder than you, and he needs more help calming down after school, and this helps him. I know that you understand this, but, of course, it must feel unfair to you. I’m sorry that it feels like this.”
Even without your son’s additional developmental needs, you have two children close enough in age to ensure you are also dealing with some degree of sibling rivalry.
You don’t want to get pulled in to being a referee, so acceptance and empathy, explaining without excusing, and holding (gently yet firmly) to your boundaries openly and transparently are the best responses.
No doubt there are allowances your daughter enjoys that your son doesn’t need or avail of. It can be helpful to find something specific that illustrates this, which you can (kindly) reflect back to her.
If you have the opportunity to assign some special one-to-one time with her each week, even a 30-minute hot chocolate and walk together, which is just about her, that could be a worthwhile investment.
- If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to parenting@examiner.ie