Colman Noctor: Why parent-child attachment styles are important to understand
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One of our most profound desires as parents is to ensure our children feel loved, secure, and supported. For years, attachment theory has been discussed as offering invaluable insights into how early interactions shape our children's emotional development and their relationships throughout life.
However, the concept of attachment theory can be misunderstood. It is unhelpful to think of attachment styles as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, ‘disordered’ or ‘ordered’. We all develop attachment styles over our lives — they are ways of being rather than pathological disorders.
British psychiatrist John Bowlby pioneered attachment theory in the mid-20th century, based on the belief that the bond a child forms with their primary caregiver (often the parent) lays the groundwork for how they perceive relationships later in life. This bond, or attachment, is an emotional connection that ensures the child’s safety, encourages exploration, and teaches the child how to regulate emotions.
Bowlby believed infants are biologically programmed to seek proximity to their caregivers when distressed or scared. This response forms the core of attachment and, over time, teaches the child whether the world is a safe and nurturing place.
Psychologist Mary Ainsworth later expanded on Bowlby’s work and identified four primary attachment styles that reflect how children respond to their caregivers.
The first and most desirable style is called ‘secure attachment’. Children with a secure attachment feel confident that their caregiver will meet their needs. This relationship does not translate into the parent being at the beck and call of the child or never leaving the child’s side; on the contrary, a secure base is characterised by a child who is comfortable independently exploring their environment but knowing that they have a ‘safe base’ to return to when necessary. This secure base is evident when, in the temporary absence of a parent, the child may become upset but is easily soothed upon their return.
To best provide a secure base, parents should respond sensitively and consistently to the child's needs, showing affection, patience, and emotional and physical presence. However, the child must also be allowed to individuate and explore the world, safe in the knowledge that you are there if they need you.
The second style is ‘anxious-ambivalent attachment’. We see this when a child displays clingy and uncertain behaviours. The child might become disproportionately distressed when the caregiver leaves and not easily comforted upon their return.
It is suggested that this attachment style arises when parents provide responses that the child considers inconsistent, in that they are sometimes attentive, sometimes not, which makes the child feel unsure of the parent's reliability. The difficulty with attachment anxiety is that it shapes the lens through which the child experiences events — such as a baby sibling not being disciplined for making a mess. So, they can misinterpret parental actions to confirm their preconceived notions of parental favouritism.
The third type of style is avoidant attachment. In these instances, the child tends to avoid or ignore the caregiver, showing little emotion when they leave or return. These children learn early on that expressing needs may not be met, so they distance themselves emotionally. This belief system arises from frequently dismissive or unresponsive parenting approaches. These children tend to focus on self-reliance and independence to survive, suppressing their emotional needs.
The fourth style is ‘disorganised attachment’. It's deemed the most concerning form of attachment as these children show confused or contradictory behaviours. They might seek the proximity of a parent but get angry with them and push them away when they are close by. This style can be the result of trauma or situations where the caregiver is perceived to be both a source of comfort and fear. Children are not good at interpreting nuance or decoding confusing messages and prefer clear and concrete experiences.
The attachment style a child forms with their caregiver significantly influences how they approach relationships as adults. Securely attached children tend to become adults comfortable with intimacy and trusting others easily. Conversely, those with insecure attachments (anxious, avoidant, or disorganised) may struggle with trust, emotional regulation, or forming healthy, close relationships.
For instance, adults with an anxious attachment style might become overly dependent on their partners and constantly seek reassurance, fearing abandonment. By contrast, those with an avoidant attachment style may have difficulty connecting emotionally and keeping partners at a distance.
Bowlby’s work on attachment existed at a different time, and it is reasonable to assume parents are far more informed and in tune now about creating secure relationships with their children. However, my clinical experience would suggest that attachment issues are still an issue in children. Modern-day culture presents different challenges when shaping our children’s attachment styles. With increased technology use, changing family dynamics, and social pressures, some of these influences may be more subtle than those described by Bowlby and others in previous generations. Still, they can absorb parents’ attention at the cost of the young child.
One of the most common contemporary issues parents describe is their child's difficulty managing intense emotions. While there are many reasons for this behaviour, we should not neglect to consider that attachment issues may contribute to a child’s struggle to regulate emotions. Whether it’s anxiety, anger, or sadness, it is not uncommon for children with attachment anxiety to experience frequent emotional outbursts, have difficulty calming down after minor frustrations or disappointments, or shift from one emotional state to another without any apparent cause.
I have seen many cases of children who worry excessively about separation from their parents and have other difficulties with non-familial relationships. Attachment issues can make it hard for children to form healthy relationships with peers, teachers, or family members. They can exhibit clinginess and become overly dependent on a parent or caregiver, resulting in them needing constant reassurance and approval, which can become more pronounced when starting school or in social situations.
Other children who have attachment issues can withdraw from social interactions altogether and avoid friendships or group activities because they don't know how to connect with others. It is a mistake to associate attachment difficulties with only timid, shy, or nervous children. Sometimes, attachment issues can lead to aggression, bullying, or an inability to resolve disagreements in a calm, healthy manner.
Children with insecure attachment styles may exhibit an intense fear of rejection or abandonment, which can come across as an oversensitivity to criticism or an overreaction to being corrected. Some attachment anxieties manifest as hypervigilance, where the child is constantly scanning their environment for signs of rejection.
Attachment difficulties may be misinterpreted as defiance or acting out when expressing profound emotional struggles. Children with attachment anxiety can sometimes refuse to follow the rules from authority figures because they feel out of control emotionally. Disruptive actions or acting out in ways designed to draw attention are often because the child doesn’t feel secure in getting attention appropriately.
When struggling with attachment issues, children may find it difficult to self-soothe when upset or distressed. They tend to look for external comfort rather than develop internal coping mechanisms. The most obvious observable behaviour is a child’s difficulty separating from their caregivers, which can lead to challenges with attending school, going to sleepovers, or participating in activities that don't involve a parent.
Some children with attachment issues can be harder to identify because their behaviour is not objectively problematic. For example, a child might be overly obedient and eager to please adults at the expense of their own needs because they fear rejection or seek approval.
More recently, children with attachment difficulties may turn to digital platforms — such as social media or video games — to fill emotional voids, creating an attachment to technology in place of real-world relationships. This can lead to excessive time online or in virtual worlds to avoid confronting real-life relationships or emotions, leading to difficulty interacting face-to-face with peers due to a preference for digital communication.
Children with attachment issues can struggle with transitions or disrupting their routines. Whether it’s a move, a change in caregiver, or even shifting from one activity to another, they may become highly anxious or upset when faced with a change, even if it's a different seating arrangement at school. They can also resist trying new experiences, preferring the safety of the known and familiar.
The advice here is straightforward but not easy to execute. Parental understanding of the origin of the child’s behaviour is the key to responding effectively to it. If you can identify that the child is acting from a place of anxiety, you can effectively support them to feel safer in the world. Early recognition of attachment issues can help parents and caregivers take proactive steps to address underlying emotional needs. By fostering a secure attachment through consistent care, emotional attunement, and supportive relationships, you can help your child build resilience, develop healthier social skills, and feel more secure in themselves and their environment.
While I have discussed attachment styles in their more extreme forms, it is important to realise we all have varying degrees of attachment anxieties which impact our lives. Secure and insecure attachment patterns can influence our choices of career, living location and intimate partner.
- Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist