Colman Noctor: Adjusting to a new role when your child heads off to college
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This time of year can be exciting and stressful for many families. In the space of a week, the Leaving Cert results are published, and the CAO offers places in third-level institutes to those who were successful. For many, it's a joyous time with lots of celebrations and exciting last-minute planning, but there can be deep disappointment for others who did not get the offers they hoped for.
While parents need to allow their adult children to feel disappointed, it is essential to encourage them to see other opportunities that may be open to them. I often use the sat nav metaphor in therapy with clients. The metaphor reminds us that just because we have missed a turn, our destination doesn’t have to change, only the route. And sometimes, the scenic route can be more enjoyable.
Too many young people see success and failure as binary concepts instead of points on a spectrum. Just because you didn’t achieve your optimal route to your destination does not mean that all is lost. Alternative options, such as a post Leaving Cert course or an associated programme, can help you continue working towards your goal. Also, don’t underestimate the value of taking a year out. I have often seen how a gap year is invaluable to young people, allowing them to experience the ‘world of work’ and return the following year with a fresh and informed perspective of their future goals.
However, if your child has been successful and is about to embark on heading off to third level, another suite of challenges is present. Given the housing and rental crisis, many students and parents have had to plan their third-level journey around what is possible. These issues mean young adults frequently have to endure cumbersome daily commutes to college, posing a huge challenge for parents.
Beyond the travel and accommodation challenges, families often experience emotional upheaval when a child starts college.
My mother once told me that one of her most challenging parenting experiences was watching me leave for a new life in Dublin when I was 17. Heading off for college is usually a time of loaded car boots with large blue Ikea bags and great excitement, but it can also be a time of great worry and sadness for parents. Validating this mix of feelings is essential.
It's natural to feel a mix of pride, anxiety, and even loss when a child is heading off on their first experience of living independently. Knowing these feelings are a normal and necessary part of the process can help.
Your child leaving home for college is an event that is ordinary and emotionally loaded. It has become a cultural moment, too. Celebrities like Rob Lowe, Heidi Klum, and Ulrika Jonsson have all described the pain they experienced during this process. TV presenter Ruth Langsford told magazine that after her son left, “For the next three days, I was sitting on his bed, sniffing his pillow”. Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay confessed to being so bereft that he wore his son’s pants around the house for a while.
British family therapist and public speaker Ged Smith says that this transition can be especially difficult for some parents as a “perfect storm of crises” can be at play when a child moves out to go to college. The event can “coincide with other things – you’ll probably be at an age when you’re also questioning your relationship, job, career, and life. Thinking: ‘What now? Is this it? Is this the job I want? Is this the person I want to stay with?’”
Part of learning who we are now is recalibrating relationships with our absent children after years of in-person parenting, and that course correction can be painful.
A team of researchers at the University of Hamburg’s Department of Health Economics found that parents’ rates of depressive symptoms and loneliness increased when their children moved out, and that empty nesters may be more likely than those still living with children at home to report negative trends in their physical health, cognitive abilities, and psychological health.
So, how can parents navigate this swell of mixed emotions?
It is vital to celebrate the milestone and mark the occasion. I suggest a family gathering or simply acknowledging your child's achievement meaningfully. Some people opt not to do this for fear that it might be upsetting, but it is important to mark these transitions where possible. An occasion like a family meal provides a setting where you can all focus on the positives and the exciting opportunities ahead for your child rather than just the sense of loss.
You must also loosen your grip on control during the preparation process. While I would encourage parents to help their child with practical preparations, such as packing, moving, and setting up their new space, you also need them to take the lead in much of this process. The transition must give them a sense of involvement and control over the change, and parents need to know that over-involvement can disempower the young person’s sense of agency, which they will most certainly need in the next chapter of their life.
It is also helpful for parents to plan for the inevitable change. Many describe an ‘empty nest’ experience when a child moves away, so they could benefit from planning new activities or hobbies to fill the time previously devoted to their child.
Parents often struggle with how much to stay connected with their adult children after they leave the family home. While I would encourage them to maintain regular communication with their adult children through calls, messages, or video chats, they must also respect their growing independence. A good way of achieving balanced communication is to agree before they leave on some expectations for communication. For instance, mutually agreeing on a twice-weekly check-in can provide structure without feeling overbearing.
Renegotiating healthy boundaries is a significant challenge to managing the transition to third level. Parents must understand the importance of allowing adult children to navigate challenges independently and step back from micro-managing their lives. In doing so, parents can help their adult children build resilience and, in the longer term, help reduce their anxiety.
It might also be helpful to connect with parents in your community who are going through the same experience. While most will appear overjoyed at the prospect of their child heading off to the third level, I do not doubt that some of this is bravado and many are secretly struggling with similar worries, which might help you both feel less vulnerable.
The most important aspect of this transition is the successful redefinition of relationship roles. As the adult child becomes more independent, parents need to redefine their role from caretakers to mentors or supporters. This change can be challenging and take some practice, but it is an essential developmental step to negotiate.
That said, it is critical to keep a sense of perspective. Your child is not going to prison; they are going to an institution and an environment to nurture their learning, which will be a rewarding experience where they can learn to work, play, and love. While they have left your home, they have not left your life, so you can plan occasional visits to the college, which can help all parties stay connected.
Your newfound time and space do not need to represent a hole or a void. Perhaps now you can have time to exercise regularly, socialise with friends, or pursue personal interests.
Negotiating your child's transition to a third-level institute away from home involves successfully adjusting to your new role, maintaining a healthy relationship with your child, and finding new sources of fulfilment in your life.
- Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist