Colman Noctor: How much independence should we allow our teens?

There needs to be a trajectory of independence that ensures the teenager moves through the ranks towards self-sufficiency. I like the term ‘surmountable stress’, which refers to putting a person under enough pressure and stress to move outside their comfort zone. However, these challenges need to be achievable and safe to be effective. Overwhelming a child or teen has no value; it will only lead to feelings of failure or unwanted consequences.

Allowing a child to be independent is difficult. A 2019 study at the University of Michigan titled ‘Failure to Launch’ found that a quarter of parents admit to impeding their teen’s independence, saying it’s just quicker and less hassle to do things themselves or they don’t think about ways to give teens more responsibility. According to neuropsychologists William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, authors of The Self-Driven Child, these are serious parenting errors because if we want our children to grow up with a sense of agency and control, we need to hand over the decision-making reins to our teens before it’s too late.

Several factors must be considered when deciding how much independence you give your teenager. These include their maturity level, previous behaviour, and the specific circumstances in which they will be tested. Like all parenting decisions, they need to be considered case-by-case, especially regarding independence and autonomy. Remember, you need to meet a young person where they are, not where you want them to be. So, in the case of a child who has not been allowed to make autonomous decisions, catapulting them into a task involving complex independent decisions is destined to fail. However, if a young person has a proven track record of making mature decisions, assigning them more elaborate or challenging tasks is reasonable.

Individual maturity varies widely in teenagers. Some have had multiple opportunities for independence, so they exude a maturity well beyond their years. Then, others on the cusp of adulthood appear not to have had a chance to develop skills to prepare them for that transition. However, building maturity is a slow process that needs small additions over time, not dramatic gestures that young people feel unprepared for. Interestingly, order of birth and family size can play a role in this process. In my experience, younger children of larger families tend to be exposed to more life experiences, allowing them to build maturity, than older children from smaller families.

Measures of maturity

Along with assessing levels of independence individually, general guidelines and principles can help parents determine the right level for their teenager.

The first is ‘emotional maturity’. Teenagers who demonstrate a good understanding of their emotions and can manage them effectively may be ready for more independence than teenagers who struggle in this developmental area. You can measure emotional maturity by observing how a teenager handles stress, disappointment, and conflict. Maturity is often measured more by our reaction to adverse or challenging events than by avoiding them.

It is also informative to observe how your teenager handles responsibility. If they consistently meet their responsibilities, such as completing homework, doing chores, and following family rules, they may be ready for more freedom and independence than a child who avoids or struggles to own their responsibilities.

However, the most critical metric for assessing your child’s independence level is their capacity to make good decisions, which involves several subtle but essential skills. The main attributes of good decision-makers include critical thinking and problem-solving. Teens who can make thoughtful decisions, weigh the consequences of their actions, and consider the perspective of others are often ready for more independence. If they can navigate challenges and solve problems without always needing to rely on adults, this is also a sign that they may be able to handle more freedom.

One of the most underestimated qualities we overlook when considering a teenager’s readiness for independence is honesty. Trust is fundamental to empowering a child to make decisions. Teenagers who are honest and open with their parents are typically granted more autonomy, and further trust can be built through consistent communication and reliability. Honesty is one of the most challenging principles to communicate to teenagers. I have suggested to many clients over the years that if they told their parents more about what they were doing and where they were going, they would possibly get more freedom. Still, it is a piece of advice many struggle to believe.

If a parent asks a teenager where they are going, and the teen replies with something vague like ‘I am going out’, they are more likely to be treated with suspicion and given less freedom by their parents than the teen who replies, ‘I am going to Jack’s house, there will be a few of us there. I will be back by 10pm, and I will text you when I am leaving”. The detailed response will likely lead to more freedom, but this advice is often ignored by teens who believe they are in a battle of control with their parents, so they don’t want to give them information as they think that would be ‘letting them win’.

Parents must also encourage open communication with their teens. This dialogue can help parents gauge their readiness for more autonomy and guide them in decision-making. Still, parents who adopt an interrogative or conflict-based communication style will create a ‘shut-down’ dynamic where the teenager is reluctant to share any details of their lives outside of the home for fear of judgement or criticism from their parents, often relating to their choice of peers.

Peer group assessment

Understanding the influence of teenage peers is crucial. Teens should be able to make their own decisions rather than just following their friends. This independence of thought is a vital indicator of readiness for more autonomy. Teenagers who can set clear boundaries and appear to choose friends wisely are likely to make good social choices. The assessment of their peer group often greatly influences a parent’s decision to offer more independence. If sensible peers surround your child, you are far more likely to afford them more freedom than if you believe they are hanging around with an unsavoury group, which could lead to more unsafe activities if not supervised.

This brings me to the most salient aspect of teen independence: safety. Ideally, teenagers should have the autonomy to explore the world around them, but within limits. Deciding how safe or unsafe something can be is a lottery and outside our control. On some occasions, interrailing around Europe might pass off without any incidents that compromise a teenager’s safety, yet walking to a nearby shop could result in them being attacked and injured. We do not know what experiences are safe or unsafe, so it typically comes down to an amateur risk assessment of the potential experience.

Given the world’s random and uncontrollable nature, supporting a teenager’s independence is mostly a ‘trial and error’ process. Parents should focus on ‘incremental independence’ or gradual increases in their child’s freedom, allowing them to prove they can handle responsibility. Starting with minor, less risky liberties, you can slowly build up privileges as they demonstrate trustworthiness.

The most challenging part of this parenting process is allowing your teenage child to experience the natural consequences of their actions. While complicated for a parent, it is crucial for learning. Independence should come with the understanding that mistakes are essential opportunities for growth. Maturity is not developed by never experiencing adversity; it emerges from our ability to react and respond to adversity.

The quintessentially Irish concept of ‘cop on’ is one I value hugely—I even wrote a book on the topic some years ago. Cop on is our ability to react proportionately to events in our lives. It involves not sweating the small stuff or ignoring or underestimating the big stuff. But if we want our children to have cop on, we need to allow them to gain independence.

However, they still need guidance. Contrary to popular belief, developing maturity is not about thrusting children into adult environments or getting them to walk miles to school. It is about continuing to provide support, offering advice, and being available when needed while encouraging their independence and responsibility.

Our ultimate goal as parents is to prepare our children for adulthood. But keep in mind that the current teenage population suffered the disruption of a global pandemic, which led to fewer opportunities to practice the skills needed for independence. There needs to be an awareness of these dynamics, which may require a more supportive approach to independence building than previous generations. Building maturity and independence may require more patience, scaffolding, and support than we previously thought.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist