Colman Noctor: An expert guide to managing toddler tantrums for parents
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Every parent has been there: refuse to buy your child a packet of sweets in the shop and your cute toddler, who only seconds ago passers-by were smiling at and waving to, suddenly transforms into a mini hurricane of emotions and you’re in the eye of a public tantrum storm.
Toddler tantrums are a normal part of child development, but telling you that doesn’t make them any easier to handle. While there is no perfect way of managing a toddler mid-tantrum, perhaps a better understanding of what is going on for your child will help you manage and minimise the distress these emotional outbursts cause.
While we might all be familiar with ‘the terrible twos’, tantrums can start as early as one and continue until five or six.
Meltdowns occur because toddlers and small children are still learning to cope with their emotions and to communicate their needs. They cannot communicate frustration, tiredness, hunger, or overstimulation, so all these feelings can lead to a behavioural tantrum.
Many parents believe their child has a tantrum because they have not done something correctly. This is especially the case when it occurs in public and it feels like onlookers are glaring. However, every toddler experiences these emotions. There is nothing you can do to prevent them — nor should you. A tantrum is your toddler’s early experience of communicating uncomfortable feelings. They learn how to refine this reaction over time.
While there is no hard and fast way to eliminate tantrums, there are some things you can do to decrease their frequency and severity.
To begin, try to establish predictable routines.
Consistent daily routines help toddlers know what to expect, reducing their anxiety — often the emotion fuelling the tantrum. Toddlers do not like change. It makes them feel uncomfortable and vulnerable, and these feelings can lead to tantrums. Doing your best to have regular mealtimes, nap times, and playtimes can help to create a predictable environment.
However, life is full of unexpected changes. Try not to give yourself a hard time if a precise routine is not always possible.
The second step is to consider the basics.
Parents often look to dramatic reasons to explain why a toddler is having a tantrum. This is understandable. The child’s emotional outbursts suggest something is drastically wrong.
However, the toddler is having an extreme overreaction and the tantrum could be happening for the simplest of reasons.
Ensuring their basic needs are met may reduce tantrums — but won’t eliminate them. An example of this could be whether they are hungry or tired.
It helps to keep snacks handy and ensure your child gets enough sleep.
The third step is watching if your child is having too much fun. Often, children can have a tantrum after or in the middle of a hugely exciting activity. Their upset has nothing to do with a lack of gratitude, rather overstimulation. Remember: The tantrum is an inability to communicate emotion effectively, including positive and negative emotions.
Toddlers cannot self-regulate, so they won’t be able to identify when they are becoming overstimulated, and they certainly won’t be able to communicate this to you.
It is wise to be mindful of the risk of overstimulation and take breaks, even from the fun stuff, before the emotional dial is tipped over.
If your child continues to have tantrums when they leave the toddler years, it is essential to teach them some basic emotional expression.
Helping them name their feelings by using phrases like “I see you’re angry because you can’t have that toy” will teach them to identify and express their emotions verbally.
Another reason why toddlers can have tantrums is because they feel they have no control.
Being a toddler can be a vulnerable place, as they have little influence or power over their choices.
This is why when toddlers learn the word ‘no’, they tend to overuse it. This word is their first experience of control and expression, and, like anything new, they will overuse it.
My youngest son fully embraced the ‘no’ stage of development. So much so that he skipped past ‘no’ and opted for ‘never’ instead, which represented a particular conviction for his newfound control.
Giving toddlers a sense of control through limited choices can sometimes prevent tantrums. Simple questions like “do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt?” can make them feel empowered.
If you cannot prevent a toddler tantrum, but you can learn to identify the early warning signs, then your best course of action is distraction and redirection.
Distract them with their favourite toy or a calm activity. Sometimes, even a change in focus can prevent a full-blown tantrum.
However, even if you have done all these things, tantrums will still occur.
The best thing to do is the hardest thing to do — stay calm. While this might seem impossible, your demeanour will help de-escalate the situation. Try to take deep breaths — even though it is very hard to remember to do during the chaos.
While our first reaction is often to tell the child to stop, this can dismiss their intense feelings. Instead, we should try to let our children know we understand: “I know you’re really upset because you can’t play outside right now.” This shows empathy and helps them feel heard. Leaving out the “but it’s raining” or “but we have to go to granny” can also be helpful.
Remember to be consistent. If you’ve said no to something, stick to it. Giving in can teach your child that tantrums are an effective way to get what they want. I would not judge any parent who bought a packet of sweets to exit a shop as quickly as possible in the midst of a tantrum.
Still, the regular concession to tantrums allows unhelpful associations to be created. A one-off incident will not have this effect.
Once the tantrum subsides, offer comfort. A hug or a soothing word can reassure your child that they are loved. In almost all cases of toddler tantrums, the child is not unwilling to manage their behaviour — they are unable to.
While it is not wise to dwell on the event, it helps to discuss the tantrum briefly with the child. This will help them understand what might have caused their upset and how they could handle things differently next time. It’s part of the emotional communication work that will lead to fewer tantrums in the future.
Handling tantrums can be exhausting, so parents must find ways of minding themselves. Whether it’s taking a few minutes to breathe deeply, talking to a friend, or sipping a quiet cup of tea, being compassionate to yourself is crucial.
Tantrums are a natural part of toddlerhood. They reflect your child’s growth and development. Understanding their reasons and their function can help you navigate these challenges with more compassion. And remember: This too shall pass. Embrace the journey and remind yourself that every tantrum is a stepping stone toward your child’s greater understanding of their emotions and the world around them.
- Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist