Colman Noctor: Teaching communication skills to help teens connect 

The dramatic increase in screen and text communication over the past 14 years has given rise to a growing number of platforms where interpersonal conflict or fallout can occur. Screen and text-based communication may also contribute to relationship fallout as the dynamics of technological communication don’t offer the same nuance as face-to-face communication. There is also the impact of the pandemic lockdowns, which have undoubtedly delayed many young people’s emotional and social development.

I have extensively written about allowing young people opportunities to ‘gather’ in real-life spaces to compensate for lost social opportunities. I have also promoted a return to the youth club culture, where young people can hang out without intrusive adult involvement. However, in recent conversations with young people, many described feeling apprehensive about being in a real-life space with others. While they wanted to meet their peers, they had reservations, predicting they would feel ‘awkward’ in such a scenario. They explained how communicating on platforms like Snapchat or gaming headsets is ‘easier’ than in-person communication.

We’ve long heard mental health experts say that young people are becoming de-skilled in real-life conversation due to the pervasive use of online platforms. But what if they never learned practical conversation skills in the first place?

Some older people may claim they never had to be taught how to communicate socially and that teaching such skills is ridiculous. However, they did not grow up in a dominant technological world and experience the disruption of a global pandemic during their social and emotional growth spurt. These young people cannot be expected to master a skill without ever having the time, space, and opportunity to develop it.

While children and young teens have had opportunities to converse since the lockdown restrictions have been lifted, it is essential to consider that this disruption occurred at a time when they were trying to learn these key developmental social skills while wearing masks and observing social distancing. They may have missed the core fundamentals of listening and communicating. For example, if you are absent the day your teacher covers algebra, no matter how many maths classes you attend afterwards you will struggle to master the subject if you have never been taught it.

We cannot blame the missed developmental opportunities on the pandemic lockdowns alone. The role giant social media companies play in keeping young people glued to their screens and away from real life is another crucial deterrent to mastering basic social and conversational skills. The iPhone baby turned 14 this year, making current teens the first group born into an era of handheld devices, such as smartphones, iPads, and tablets. They are at the frontline of the potentially disruptive effects of technology.

Value of listening

As a psychotherapist, I know the value of being able to listen, and I am aware that it is not an innate skill that everyone possesses. The skills involved in being a good listener are often overlooked. Some people have a natural ability, but it is far more challenging for others.

I teach mental health student nurses advanced communication skills, and in recent years, I have noticed how many ‘listen to respond’ instead of ‘listening to hear’.

Teaching young people listening skills is highly beneficial for several reasons, including improving overall communication skills, understanding, and clarity. Effective listening ensures we accurately understand what others are saying, leading to clearer and more meaningful conversations.

Learning how to listen could also help to reduce the incidence of misunderstandings among their peers. By listening attentively, young people can avoid misinterpretations and conflicts that arise from poor communication. Improving young people’s listening skills could have the greatest impact on their social and emotional development. Good listening skills enable young people to understand and empathise with others, strengthening friendships and relationships.

Working on our listening skills can improve our personal growth. Self-reflection through listening to feedback from others can provide valuable insights for personal development and foster an open-minded attitude, which is essential for continuous learning and growth.

Active listening involves going beyond simply hearing another person’s words to actively processing and seeking to understand the meaning and intent behind the words. It is crucial for absorbing and retaining information presented in class, and helps students analyse and evaluate the information they hear, fostering critical thinking abilities.

Helping young people develop their listening skills could have lifelong benefits. In many professional settings, listening skills are essential for following instructions, collaborating with colleagues, and understanding clients’ needs. Effective leaders are often good listeners who can understand and address the concerns of their team members.

Reading body language

To develop communication skills, educators and parents must model good listening by giving full attention, making eye contact, and responding thoughtfully.

According to organisational behaviour expert Avraham Kluger, a good listening programme in schools is like a good physical education programme. It starts with easy exercises, such as having young people listen to others speak about their family heritage — where they come from, where their parents came from, etc. Along with being easily relatable, these exercises improve listening skills because humans love a good story and becoming a good storyteller is vital to enhancing our communication skills.

Kluger says that over time, students learn to listen to more complex conversations involving deeper emotions, such as regret and life aspirations.

We could also teach young people how to read body language, which is highly beneficial and complements their overall communication skills. Understanding body language helps young people grasp the entire message beyond words and provides context to verbal communication, allowing them to understand tone, emotions, and intentions more accurately.

For example, someone moving away from you might suggest a desire to end the current conversation. A person who breaks eye contact and becomes fidgety may be uncomfortable with the current topic of discussion, or a change in facial expression may indicate feeling angry or fearful.

Many take for granted that we can interpret these actions, sometimes unconsciously. However, young people who have grown up without the same in-person experiences as previous generations may not be as adept at interpreting them as we assume.

Being attuned to body language can improve peer interactions, fostering better friendships and social connections. 

Recognising non-verbal signals enhances empathy and emotional intelligence, enabling young people to respond appropriately to the feelings of others.

It promotes greater awareness of social dynamics and can prevent misunderstandings. Awareness of one’s body language can also lead to better self-presentation and self-regulation.

The wellbeing curriculum could benefit from a return to the fundamentals of communication to assist our current crop of young people in addressing critical developmental steps that might have been missed. Recent investments in subjects like mindfulness and self-awareness are welcome. Along with exploring how we relate to ourselves, perhaps educators could also look at how we interact with the world.

In a world where our communication methods are changing and we are now requesting AI programmes to write emails on our behalf, we must not overlook the importance of listening and communication.

Engaging in a conversation where at least one young person feels listened to can make them feel valued, connected, relaxed, and hopeful. At a time when our younger generation is experiencing unprecedented loneliness,

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist