Joanna Fortune: Our teenage son has completely disengaged from us
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I suggest you start by reflecting deeply on what was happening before this change in his behaviour and what has been happening since. Could there be a trigger for this change?
Perhaps something is going on in school (be sure to link in with his year head and gain their perspective on how he behaves in school). Or might something have happened within his peer group? Or maybe something at home, such as additional stress or tension or a bereavement or any other significant change? I always like to rule out any specific event that might be contributing to challenging behaviour as a first step.
Teenagers experience a surge in development starting in early adolescence (13-15 years), peaking in mid-adolescence (15-17 years), and generally starting to settle in late adolescence (17-19 years).
They are neurologically wired for risk-taking, impulsive, and reward-seeking behaviours. Most want to experiment with new tastes in music, fashion, and friends, which impacts attitude and behaviour.
Teens prioritise their peers and social life over time with family while becoming more secretive, keeping aspects of their lives private and away from parents.
They can become more abrasive, engaging in conflict as they believe that compliance with their parents’ rules and requests is now their choice.
This developmental stage is a hotbed of tensions in the parent-teen relationship but much of it is typical teenage development, albeit challenging and unpleasant to experience and parent.
It is all part of their process of separating from us, developing as independent young adults, and strengthening their identity and sense of self.
That said, some teenagers’ behaviour is in the ‘over and above’ range and does not fit what we would describe as typical.
When we suggest to someone that they need to go into psychotherapy, it can trigger a defensive response because when you are activated by stress, anxiety, or rage, even a genuine offer of help can be experienced as a judgment.
I suggest you reframe this suggestion and instead say he deserves a space where he can talk openly about situations, people, and even his parents that are causing him anger and distress.
If he chooses not to at this time, you may find it helpful to see a psychotherapist or psychologist who works with teenagers to gain more insight and understanding into his behaviour and how it is affecting you and triggering you to respond in ways that may not be leading to the results you wish for.
Hold onto the parts of your relationship that are still working and positive.
Ensure you make eye contact when speaking to him, smile, and tell him you love him each day. Even if he ignores you, he is hearing you.
- I have several teen-focused episodes on my podcast, starting with exa.mn/15-Minute-Teen-Parenting
- If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please email it to parenting@examiner.ie