Joanna Fortune: My son is anxious about starting secondary school 

One of the things we do, as parents, is rush to make things better for our children when they are having a hard time. Our parental instinct is to want our children to be happy. 

However, one of the ways our children learn to strengthen and enhance their capacity to self-regulate their emotions is to experience a full range of emotions, including the more challenging feelings. 

These repeated patterns of mastering tension-rousing experiences are central to how they develop emotional resilience.

That said, I am not suggesting that we leave them alone with difficult feelings. Far from it. We must practice being with them, using acceptance and empathy to support them as they work through challenging emotions.

Your son is anxiously anticipating a massive change in his life. There is context to how he is feeling, and hopefully, once he has made the transition and has had some time to adjust and settle (always allow about six weeks), his stress will dissipate.

You have taken all of the correct practical steps, such as visiting the school and reminding him that the teachers were welcoming and nice and pne of his best friends will be there with him.

Now, I suggest you sit with him when he feels anxious about the school move and use empathic listening and reflection to let him feel understood and that he is not alone.

Try saying: “Change is difficult — this is a big change for you, and you are finding the idea of it overwhelming right now.” 

Then pause and allow your reflection to sit. You might also want to remind your son that you are always there for him: “I am here to listen and support you in whatever way you need. You can always bring your thoughts, questions, and worries to me, and I will listen.”

If he explicitly asks for your help, try something like: “Is there something particular that you think I could do now that would help you through this worry?”

You may find that you are having the same conversation many times, but remember that repetition is one of the ways we make new experiences more familiar.

Distraction is also an excellent tool, so try to ensure that his summer break is busy, fun, and full of activities with friends, but also activities that offer the opportunity to meet some new children, as this is good practice before starting secondary school.

We can sometimes forget that mixed in with the anxious excitement of starting a new school and chapter in their young lives is the fact that another safe and familiar chapter is ending. That can be sad and scary for some children. 

Allow space to process this loss and ensure there is a way for his class or friends to celebrate finishing primary school together, as this celebration will mark the end in a positive way.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to parenting@examiner.ie