Joanna Fortune: My 11-year-old daughter is out of order 

As our children approach early adolescence, we often see a return of challenging early-years behaviours —tantrums, protest, boundary-pushing, and opposition — but now with the addition of sass in attitude.

The tween years are a second bite at that early developmental apple, and just as when she was a toddler, she once again needs you to set and hold calm, clear, and consistent boundaries.

You can approach this in a non-blaming and non-shaming way by structuring using the ACT approach:

• Acknowledge her feelings: ‘I know you are frustrated at having to go to bed now.’
• Communicate a limit: ‘It is not OK to speak to me like that or shout at people.’
• Target an alternative behaviour: ‘When you feel frustrated, you can go to your bedroom and punch a cushion, yell into your pillow, etc.’

You are seeking to help her see that her behaviour, while unacceptable, is understandable and that there are other ways she can express her feelings without causing trouble.

This stage of development can be tricky for children. They are experiencing an increased surge in independence-seeking while feeling flashes of younger emotional outbursts. At the same time, they are drawn increasingly towards what their peers think (or what they perceive their peers are thinking of them).

It can seem as if we are no longer part of their world. Instead, we are a source of embarrassment, which can make this stage of parenting especially challenging to negotiate.

As she grows up, so must your parenting adapt to match her age.

• Look for ways to afford her more independence and space (within your parental boundaries).
• Praise her daily, but do so mindfully and specifically (focus on things she does/says or the efforts she is making).
• Look her in the eyes and smile when you talk to her.
• Tell her that you love her every day (at least once a day). Even if she rolls her eyes and dismisses you, she still hears she is loveable.
• Offer her a hug each day. She may reject you most of the time, but she knows you are available when she feels ready and able.

This is a challenging stage of parenting, so activate and lean into your support network. Get out for a ‘walk and talk’ with a friend you can emotionally exhale with.

• You might find this podcast episode in my 15-Minute Parenting series helpful: exa.mn/Tweens
• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to parenting@examiner.ie