Stay-at-home mums and dads — the challenges and the wins

Pregnant with her first child, Andrea Austin knew she wanted to spend the early childhood years full-time at home with her baby. Back then the County Meath-based mum wasn’t thinking ‘I’m never going to work again’.

“It was more I’d stay home at least until she was in junior infants,” says the mum-of-two who worked in banking before Ava’s birth.

Ava is now 12, while her brother, Cian, is nine, and Andrea — bar one year when she returned to work — has been a stay-at-home mum since her daughter was a baby.

Andrea has fond memories of her own childhood with a stay-at-home mother. “My mother’s face was the first I saw when I came out of school. Whether I’d had a good or a bad day, I could decompress [with her]. I wanted that for my children.

“I felt I could help them become their best selves. It wasn’t at all a hard decision to make, that my career would take a break and my priority would become the family.”

Her husband, Ruairí — then an electrician, he now works in data centres all over Europe — “was on the same page about it and very supportive”. By the time Cian arrived, Andrea had no wish to return to work. “I knew other mums who were dying to get back. Their career was important to them. I never felt I was missing out.”

When Ava was seven and Cian in Montessori, children they knew were attending after-school club. “They said they’d love to do it and I thought maybe they need a bit of a break from me, maybe they don’t need me in quite the same way anymore, so I started applying for banking jobs and I got one pretty quickly.”

Soon enough, her children realised that after-school club “wasn’t as glamorous” as they’d expected, and Andrea was also struggling to be “everything to everyone”. Wanting to ensure her children “had everything they were getting before I went back to work”, she felt under pressure to be the mother she wanted to be.

“I didn’t have time. I was stretched in every direction. I felt I couldn’t be the employee I should be or the mum I should be. I felt I was half-assing everything.”

Andrea quit her job after a year. “I went to my manager and said I can’t do this anymore. I hadn’t even discussed it with Ruairí. Thankfully he’s 100% supportive, whichever decision I’d want to make.”

If she missed anything about work, it was the adult interaction. “That general chit-chat, having the tea break, ‘What are you up to at the weekend’ kind of thing — but it certainly didn’t impact my mental health, and I didn’t miss the career or financial aspects.

“For me, the pros of being at home far outweigh anything I could be missing out on. I feel I get to be my best self because I’m doing what means most to me. I think a lot of people feel society expects women to be out [in the workplace], fighting to be equal, yet they’re still expected to do most things in the house, be everything to everyone.”

Andrea acknowledges that stay-at-home parenting has its challenges. “What I struggle with most is the responsibility overload, being the default parent. I know I’m at home [full-time], so 99% of things will fall in my lap, but always being the one getting the phone calls when they’re sick, always doing most things — that’s what challenges me most.”

Reactions vary when others hear she’s a stay-at-home mum. “Some ask ‘Oh, don’t you miss your career’, or they say ‘That’s the hardest job in the world’. But most, especially those I surround myself with, are very positive. Even the jet-setting career mums. With most of them, it’s ‘You do you’.”

Her “solid group of friends” are a vital support. “People who are really dependable — they save my sanity. We’re each other’s cheerleaders.”

Stay-at-home dad skills

From Mondays through Thursdays, and on occasional weekends, Dubliner Jamie Kinsella is a fulltime stay-at-home dad to Ruben, eight, and Faye, six. Weekends he works as a chef, while his wife, Niamh, works for a technology company. 

Her job brings her away from home for a week at a time every few months. “When Niamh is away I take the weekends off work,” says Jamie, adding that he has a very supportive boss.

Jamie did his “apprenticeship” as a stay-at-home dad during covid. “I was home fulltime with the kids for two years so I got used to it. Pre-covid, Niamh and I both worked mad hours — my mother minded the children.

“I enjoy getting stuck into the stuff that needs doing at home, the upkeep of the house — shopping, cleaning, cooking. I cook the dinner when the children are at school. It eases the pressure — I can just heat it up later when they’re doing homework.

“I like to have the house as good as I can get it for the weekend, so as to take the pressure off Niamh when she’d be bringing the kids to their various activities.”

Jamie feels the arrangement has “100%” benefitted his relationship with his children. “When I was doing shift work, they’d go to my wife more. Now it has balanced out – they ask for both of us, not just Niamh.

“I think being present is the hardest thing about being a parent. Time is the best investment you can make in children.”

He says it could be as simple, and as profound, as ways to help your child get to sleep or “just how to communicate better with your children”.

Both parents need to be happy with big decisions

For anyone considering being a stay-at-home parent, there’s a lot to think about. Majella Kennedy, counsellor and member of Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, says the first step is to know why you are making the decision. “You need to reflect a lot on what is your purpose, your goal and reason for doing this. What do you hope to achieve?”

Both parents need to be happy with the decision, she says, and the person undertaking the stay-at-home role needs to know it is right for them.

Kennedy cautions about unhelpful perspectives on the stay-at-home parent role. “Sometimes a partner might think ‘well you’re at home all day — you should have everything done when I get home’ or they might perceive the stay-at-home role as not really work.”

She recommends stay-at-home parents put boundaries around self-care. “When we’re at work we get a morning break and a lunch-break. Put these structures in place for yourself at home too so you’re not running yourself ragged.”

And if you’ve been very career-focused and used to working in a stimulating environment, how will you adjust to having little adult interaction? Maybe by arranging a Zoom call, a walk with a friend, or a meet-up with another stay-at-home parent where you both bring your children to the swimming pool.

Regarding finances, Kennedy recommends prospective stay-at-home parents ask if they can see themselves becoming dependent on their partner. “Will it be like a child going to the parent for money?” She suggests both partners agree to a disposable amount of money for each to do with as they wish.

At the end of the day, Kennedy says balance is important in stay-at-home parenting — around finances, chores and the time out we give ourselves.

Andrea Austin says when she was working, the family didn’t have more money. “We just did more things that cost money.” 

Her advice to prospective stay-at-home parents? “Try it. You can always go back to work — or get a new job.”