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Tue, 02 Jan, 2024 - 07:51

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Child Psychotherapist

THE temptation to buy into the “new year, new me” movement is at an all-time high at the start of the year. For those with children, it can involve a plan to alter their parenting approaches, often so they can better manage challenging behaviour. Some may adopt a strict plan that promises dramatic results in a short period, with little or no effort required.

However, making grand gestures is rarely effective. In my most recent book, The 4-7 Zone, I promoted the concept of moderation to maintain mental fitness. After the book was published in April 2023, I soon realised that pitching “moderation” is a hard sell. The “slow and steady wins the race” and the promotion of “small achievable goals” isn’t a catchy narrative.

If my book was called 5 Easy Steps to Extreme Happiness, it would likely have sold many more copies.

Unsurprisingly, people want quick, dramatic results in the shortest possible period. In a world that moves at lightning speed, we are primed to expect personal change to move at an equal pace.

However, the opposite is true in almost all cases of emotional wellbeing. Our emotional lives respond poorly to intensity as do our close relationships. A far more likely formula for success is consistency not intensity, but again this is not an easy sell when pitching that concept to someone looking for a quick fix.

Parents can believe intense or drastic changes are necessary to be effective. Whether it’s a pledge to become more of a disciplinarian when it comes to your child’s tantrums or a plan to instigate strict ground rules around your teenager’s reluctance to study in preparation for their exams, it is assumed sweeping changes are required to make positive changes.

However, in most cases, positive behavioural change does not happen due to implementing a new strategy or specific intervention. It usually results because the parent’s understanding of the child’s problem has deepened, leading to informed, compassionate conversation. Role modelling the skill of openness as a means to understand your children allows them to adopt those values for themselves.

Responding to their needs

We rely far too much on “rules” as parents when focusing on creating strong values is far more effective. Rules bring about change through fear, whereas strong values bring about change due to a deeper understanding of the consequences of the behaviour.

A critical parenting goal is to impart good values to your child so they can choose to do the right thing when the time comes, whereas parenting through rules alone demands compliance only while the child is being observed.

I have met many parents at my clinic who have experienced difficulty in their relationship with their children. I attempted to offer one or two insights into how they could better understand their child’s behaviour. At follow-up sessions, these parents often reported that significant positive changes had occurred.

This was not because a reward system or a military-type study regimen was introduced, instead, the improvement in their understanding of their child led to a better relationship and in turn positive behavioural change.

One of the most essential factors in any child’s mental health prognosis is the degree to which their parents comprehend their difficulties.

Whether it’s a child with ADHD, anxiety or an eating disorder, parents who are open to hearing about the young person’s experience of their struggles and try to understand this as best they can usually report far more effective outcomes.

This is not to say the parent who extensively researches the disorder the child has been diagnosed with is best placed to support their child. On the contrary, their knowledge can be a barrier to understanding as their primary focus is on the condition, not the child. Responding to their child’s needs as best they can bring positive results.

For those who want to improve their parenting approaches in 2024, it is not about introducing drastic changes but investing time to understand your child’s behaviour better.

Understanding behaviour

Children’s behaviour mostly has three functions: Coping, controlling, or communicating. I call these the “three Cs”. Whether that is a toddler who engages in extreme tantrum behaviours, a primary school child who is refusing to go to school, or a teenager who is vehemently refusing to take part in any extra-curricular activities, these behaviours are usually an attempt to cope, control or communicate how they are feeling.

Parents often believe their task is to change the behaviour, but this is a later part of the process. The first thing to do is step back and understand the meaning behind your child’s behaviour. Instead of focusing on “how do we get our child to get back into school?” figure out what is causing your child not to want to go to school.

We need to see the behaviour as the signpost to the problem, not the problem itself. We often gather around the signpost and neglect to see where it is pointing. By attempting to understand the source of the behaviour you can help your child explore alternative ways to express their needs in a way that does not involve tantrums, school refusal, restricting their diet etc.

I suggest you make a more concerted effort to understand your child’s challenging conduct for your new year parenting goals.

Here are my top five tips:

Examine if your child’s behaviour is an attempt to cope with, control, or communicate difficult feelings.
Try to see the world through the eyes of the child. This involves being aware of their developmental level and what they can and cannot understand.
Remind yourself that adolescence is not an apprenticeship for adulthood. Teenagers have different priorities than adults, and so they should.
Meet your child where they are at, not where you want them to be.
Invest in values instead of rules. Children respond better to being supported to achieve their goals rather than being threatened to be sanctioned if they don’t change.

A young client once said the following to me years ago that has remained with me: “My Mam doesn’t get me, but I know she is trying.”

My personal parenting goal for 2024 is to be that parent.