Joanna Fortune: How can we get our child back into his own bed?
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Establishing a routine is one challenge; sustaining it is quite another. As parents, we set boundaries and limits, introduce routines, and support our children adjusting to them. When the routine changes, we need to take charge once again.
Having your children in your bed is only a problem if it is a problem for you. If your children climb into bed with you and you have space to co-sleep safely, and this is how you all get the most sleep possible, then there is no need to change the arrangement.
However, if you are not sleeping well, you will need to establish (or re-establish, in your case) a sleep routine that suits you all. But be aware your son may be perfectly happy in your bed - it’s warm, and he gets snuggles all night -and as such, he will meet your invitation to revert to the old routine with resistance.
The routine changed when he was unwell, but previous to this, it was working well. Now, you have to return to what worked well, but it's not like flicking a switch. You will need to go back to the first steps of the routine and use the same system - structure, patience and perseverance while being calm, clear and consistent.
It is likely to take time because he has had a taste of an alternative sleep routine. It is best to hold firm and gently but consistently respond to his resistance as he re-adjusts to your preferred sleep routine.
Ensure he has had a lot of play, physical activity, and movement during the day to release energy from his body. Start the wind down well before bedtime. This includes no screens for 30-60 minutes before bedtime, using that time to play and read stories together.
Some suggestions for nurture-based play that can fit easily into a bedtime routine and support his sleep include adding some lavender baby bath soap to his evening bath and wrapping him up in a warmed soft towel afterwards so that you can rock and sing to him. Once in bed, read a book and ask him to lie down with eyes closed while you do a goodnight body scan, kissing him and saying goodnight to different body parts: forehead, cheeks, nose, arms, tummy, legs, and toes.
While nurture-based bedtime play like this can be a helpful addition to a sleep routine, you will still need to be patient and give him time to re-adjust. By including play in your routine you are making bedtime fun rather than something to fight against.
If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to parenting@examiner.ie