Joanna Fortune: My 14-year-old daughter wants to hang out with boyfriend in her bedroom
Pic: Istock
The defence, ‘all my friends are allowed to’, starts in early childhood but amplifies in adolescence. You are the one parenting your child so whatever her friends are (or are not) allowed to do has no relevance in your home. So, yes, you were perfectly within your rights to say no and to hold a boundary.
It sounds as though you have not had a conversation with your daughter about the boundaries of having a boyfriend visit her at home. Taking a paradoxical approach might help. Try: “I’m sorry! I realise that we have not spoken about our house rules when you have your boyfriend over and when I said no last time it may have come across as unexpected to you. Let’s talk about it now.”
In talking to her like this, you are taking responsibility from the outset and she can enter the discussion without worrying she will be blamed or in trouble.
The next step is to talk about how her boyfriend is welcome when you are at home and they can be in the kitchen/sitting room together but not alone in her bedroom. She may well demand to know why and it is enough to say it is a house rule and that she is too young to have a boyfriend in her bedroom.
You are worried she might get pregnant but I wonder if you have spoken openly and recently with her about sex, consent, respect and staying safe. If not, this is a good time to revisit that discussion. This is particularly important given her boyfriend is two years older than her.
What a 14-year-old expects in a relationship and what a 16-year-old expects may be very different and while it may seem like two years is a small age gap, it can be significant during the teenage years. It is worth exploring what her expectations/boundaries are within this relationship and how to recognise if someone else expects more than she is comfortable with and how she can assert and hold her boundaries.
Frame your conversation in a way that allows you to convey your expectations or worries while keeping the door of communication open. Tell her it is important to you that you both can talk about all aspects of her relationship in an open and respectful way.
Consider the following structure when approaching this conversation to help keep you and the conversation on track. What is it you want to share (stay on topic)? Why is this important (desired outcome)? Where and when does it feel safe to do this? (Pick a time and place that allows for the conversation.)
Tell your daughter that you trust her, but that trust is reciprocal and you are asking her to also trust you. And remind her that you are always acting in her best interests.
if you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune please send it to parenting@examiner.ie