Dr Joanna Fortune: My 13-year-old daughter is struggling to make friends in school
Be Do Friendships In Fact, Friends Of Needs Intimate Large Clusters Smaller, Many All To More To Teenagers In Group A Part Of One Each Not Some But Better Need Have Do
Friendship comes up a lot in the questions I receive because it is so essential to children’s development.
Within friendship, we grow in our self-esteem, benefit from the sense of belonging and social cohesion the connection with others affords us, and friendship helps us to feel generally good about ourselves. Children also develop pro-social skills, managing group dynamics, conflict resolution, and critical thinking skills within their friend groups.
One aspect of friendship often overlooked is the role of play and play skills. Play is a huge part of how children connect. I wonder what your daughter’s play skills are like now (playful banter, engaging in light-hearted and fun experiences, etc) and what they were like as she was growing up. Did she have friends in primary school and has she managed to sustain any of those connections?
As our children grow and develop, it is not unusual for friendships to change and children who once enjoyed playing together can feel as though they have nothing in common and form new connections.
All teenagers do not need to be part of a large group of friends. In fact, many do better in smaller, more intimate clusters. But each one needs to have some friendships.
You mention that your daughter is part of a sporting activity. Might the school have a team in this sport that she could join? Spending time with teenagers with whom she has a shared interest will help to build bonds.
As you approach the start of the new school year, I suggest you sit with your daughter (or go for a drive or a walk, whatever environment she will feel most comfortable in). Ask how she feels about her first year in school and her hopes and fears as she heads into second year.
Let her know you are aware finding friends that she connects with in school has been a challenge, and ask what you can do to support her.
Spend time chatting about who in her year she finds interesting and entertaining, and be curious about them, drawing connections where you see she has things in common with them.
Regardless of how this conversation goes, I would seek to connect with her year head in school within four to six weeks of school returning to explore actions that can be taken to support your daughter in making connections within the school community.
If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to: parenting@examiner.ie