Lads to Dads: A safe space for modern Irish dads to connect

Many people underestimate the work of parenting, he says. “They see your kids out in public and they think ‘they’re nice kids’. They don’t know the work that goes in behind the scenes.”

Describing Ruben as an early riser who’s “always on the go”, while daughter Faye, six, is mellower, “though she can be fairly hyper at times”, he says: “When I have nothing on, I love bringing something different to their lives. Maybe we go to the mountains. It’s just to give them a new experience – it doesn’t have to cost money.”

Recalling train rides with his grandmother to the beach and possibly an ice-cream when he got there, he says it’s about giving children the gift of time. “When we go on holidays, Maeve and I do little mini-days with them, where she’ll take Ruben off and I’ll take Faye off for some one-on-one time, and then we swap. Of course, I enjoy when I’m with the two kids together, but they can cancel each other out, so I find this one-on-one time very important.”

Kinsella, a chef, wants to encourage his children to stick at things, not to give up too easily. In parenting, he has learned to choose his battles and that – depending on personality – individual children respond to different approaches. He loves seeing them grow as people. “It’s huge for me to see them getting involved in things.”

Parenthood has humbled him. “When you become a parent, ego goes out the window. It changes your perspective on things. I see my parents in a different way now, the stuff I put them through. I ring my father every day since I became a dad.”

He has also learned that you can lose your sense of yourself a little in parenthood. “You have to find something for yourself, even if it’s every second day, whether it’s going for a walk or watching Coronation Street, whatever it is you enjoy. I like running and going to the gym.”

A place for fathers to connect

Kinsella heard about From Lads to Dads (FLTD) from his wife, who had come across the organisation on social media during one of the lockdowns. A community-based, peer-led support network for dads and dads-to-be, it aims to help fathers become positive, active role models in their children’s lives. “I’m always willing to learn and explore and get better – that’s why I joined the group,” says Kinsella.

FLTD offers a safe, confidential, non-judgmental environment for fathers to connect, share experiences, and grow as individuals and parents. Set up by Tallaght-based dad Dave Saunders in 2019, it came out of his own experience of being a teenage dad just over 30 years ago. “I had a great tribe around me, great support, I had that village they say it takes to rear a child.”

But as a very young dad, he also felt “pre-judged” by society. “It was like everybody knew more than I did, so I slightly faded into the background. When you’re a very young parent, no one says congratulations, you don’t get the big euphoria – that can have a negative impact.”

He recalls feeling overwhelmed. “I feared making a mess of being a dad – and here was this small person who relied on me.”

As well as his daughter, Sophie, Saunders also has a 23-year-old son, Aaron. “They are my life. I know how lucky I am to be a parent, to have them in my life and watch them grow.” But those initial experiences of young fatherhood, coupled with his sense of a gap in ante- and post-natal services for fathers (“nobody really checks in on dads”), left him feeling he “wanted to put an arm around” them.

“I’m not claiming to be an expert. I’m trying to be an advocate for fathers. It’s about giving them a space to be honest and open,” he says, explaining that while FLTD’s essential focus is dads at the perinatal stage – from when they know a baby’s on the way to the one-year mark – more experienced dads link in too, creating a web of support for all. “The power of the group is having this open, honest discussion. And even another dad saying ‘I get it, I understand, is powerful.”

Monthly Monday night Zoom meets often attract 10 or 15 dads, and what fathers want to talk about can range from ‘what’s my role during the birth?’ to questions of bonding. “A father might ask ‘what if I don’t bond?’ They hear about these outpourings of emotion, and they think ‘I don’t feel that’. So it’s an important conversation to have, that this doesn’t happen all the time and it can sometimes take some months for it to happen.”

FLTD links in with other organisations to further empower dads. For example, they ran an ante-natal programme – with midwife input – in conjunction with Blue Skies Initiative, an Area Based Childhood (ABC) programme that aims to improve outcomes for children/families in disadvantaged areas.

And this month FLTD is teaming up with Northside Partnership to run a workshop for dads, ‘Building Babies from Head to Toe’. “It’s with a view to sharing knowledge of infant mental health, while also letting parents/caregivers know that so many everyday things they’re doing are helping to build their baby’s brains,” says Saunders.

For Kinsella, FLTD helps put things in perspective. “It lets me step out sometimes, and re-align myself. Linking in with these other dads reaffirms that how I feel in parenthood is normal. It makes me feel I have value as a parent.”

Counselling for dads

Damien Lowry, principal specialist psychologist, works at Tallaght University Hospital and is a chartered member of the Psychological Society of Ireland. A father of three, he says parenthood involves a lot of sacrifice. “Routines and schedules often change substantially when a child arrives. Fathers can sometimes be unprepared for how much that’s the case.”

Adding that 10% of fathers experience “clinically significant” mental health difficulties in the weeks/months following a child’s birth, he says: “What we don’t see mirrored is the uptake of postnatal counselling support by fathers.” He believes organisations like FLTD can be very good advocates for signposting fathers – who might wish to avail of counselling – towards services that can help.

While it is not always immediately apparent, Lowry says there are “dividends and rewards” when dads step up to their role. “A stronger bond between child and father is linked to many positive outcomes for the child and family in general. It strengthens family-level cohesion. And society ultimately benefits because you’re raising more well-adjusted individuals who are going to behave in a more pro-social way.”

Does he have a message for dads in the lead-up to Father’s Day? “It’s a bonus if Father’s Day is marked in the family. My children, encouraged by my wife, make a huge effort to scribble a note or draw a picture, which I always get so much joy from. I also see Father’s Day as a cue to reflect on how I’m doing at fatherhood. It’s an opportunity to ask myself ‘where am I at with this?’

“But that’s all within the context of being grateful for this incredibly important role we’re blessed to have as dads. The day-to-day drudgery can feel quite gruelling and sometimes we can neglect to take stock of what we have and how special it is.”

On Father’s Day, Kinsella just wants to be with his kids. “A lot of people look forward to stuff. They never sit in the moment with their kids.

“That’s what I’m trying to do more of, just sit in the current moment and enjoy them for now.”

• Visit fromladstodads.ie.