Colman Noctor: We all need to kick back during the school holidays

While camps offer a lifeline to many working parents, they are not an option for everyone. The expense of multiple camps can be too high for many families and co-ordinating drop-offs and pick-ups during office hours is almost impossible. The pressure to fill children’s free time can be immense.

Many parents fear that during the long summer break nothing useful occurs and bad habits become entrenched. With long hours in to fill and no structured activities, bedtimes get stretched, with children sometimes staying in bed for half the day to pass the time. Screens offer instant entertainment and can quickly become problematic in the absence of structured activity.

Phones have become an anti-boredom device for most of us. Whether in a waiting room at the dentist, on a bus into town or an awkward moment when sharing an elevator, seeking refuge in a hand-held screen is often our go-to coping strategy. Unfortunately, the eight to 12 weeks of school holidays last far longer than an elevator journey, so the usefulness of the temporary distraction fades and unhealthy habits can become entrenched.

Tackling bad habits

Many parents believe their children will inevitably develop bad screen habits over the summer. So why not be proactive and find a solution? We can expect screen usage to increase over the summer, but there are ways to manage it better, so that the weaning process before they return to school is less demanding. Keep in mind that habits are formed by repetition and association. In other words, if I associate the feeling of boredom with reaching for my phone, it becomes an automatic cognitive pathway in time.

According to American neuroscientist Gretchen Rubin, habits form when a neural pathway activated by some action you’ve taken becomes reinforced through repetition.

It’s why we often develop bad habits or make the same wrong choice over and over: We’re not really choosing at all, but automatically going down a familiar default behavioural pathway.

Despite the risks of bad habit formation, it is crucial to not take an all-or-nothing approach to screens, but a disruptive one. For example, if you are going on a family holiday, you could institute a plan to limit screen time to one hour every second or third day and put alternative activities in place on those days.

This might mean parents getting involved and managing their own screen time over the summer too. Most children and young people are more likely to go outside and play a game if a parent is free to join them. Our involvement in these informal activities is far more critical than we realise.

You may also need to incentivise the activity. I often tell my children I am going for a walk and invite them to join me, and they usually respond with the question: ‘Can I get a Solero on the way back?’ When the answer is in the affirmative, I get some company on my evening stroll. In this instance, the price of an ice cream is a worthwhile investment. The 20-minute walk allows me and whichever child is with me to have a bit of a chat and a catch-up.

While there is the inevitable moaning about how far we have walked and how long it is taking, this is sprinkled with updates on school friends and what they look forward to.

Often the small, repeated gestures have the most desirable effect.

By going for a walk and buying an ice cream every second day over the summer, a habit is being created. While there may be initial resistance and eye-rolling, it becomes ‘just what you do’ after two weeks.

Fill their time

Show a bit of self-compassion this summer. Parenting children and teenagers at home for up to three months is challenging. Remember that values are more sustainable than rules. Instead of concentrating on clamping down on screen time, compete with it by putting alternatives in place, ones that you will take part in.

The options are endless: going for a walk every second day, kicking a football with your child after work for 30 minutes, or redecorating their room. You will also need to put things in place that punctuate their solo time.

It is crucial not to demonise boredom. While we have all become obsessed with using time productively, sometimes boredom can be a leading cause of creativity. Take the pandemic lockdowns, for example.

I know many people who developed skills like sourdough-bread-making to becoming homebrew beer masters. I even considerably improved my repertoire of guitar chords. But not all time needs to be purposeful, and sometimes when my children complain of boredom, I reply, ‘Lucky you, don’t waste it’. Furthermore, structuring solo time can be subtle and does not need to involve a camp or an instructor.

Summer is a perfect opportunity to develop life skills not covered in school. Teaching a child how to master putting diesel in a car, how to grow vegetables, repair a bicycle puncture, or the mechanics of a PC have lifelong value.

Summer can be an opportune time to get a teenager to develop a sense of responsibility.

I’ve written before about building their independence one step at a time. If your teen wants a curfew of 10pm and you want them in by 8pm, suggest that if they come in at 8pm for three nights, on time and with no arguments, their curfew can be extended to 8.30pm. If they come in at 8.30pm for three nights, with no arguments and on time, the curfew can be extended to 8.45pm and so on. This process shows children they can earn rights by behaving responsibly and teaches the valuable lesson that the more you ‘play ball’, the more freedom you will be granted.

Couple this newfound responsibility with times when you and your child commit to doing things together.

Be available for walks, playing football or an activity you both enjoy and allow them a degree of autonomy to develop the skills required to form maturity and wisdom.

Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist