Joanna Fortune: My daughter is dreading starting secondary school 

Remind her that she was much younger when she started primary school and, in the meantime, she has matured, learned that difficulties pass and can be mastered, and she will be approaching her new school adjustment with all this experience.

This is not to say you should minimise her worries or dismiss her anxiety, but that you provide context and framing.

I want you to practice going to ‘A&E’ with her whenever her anxiety bubbles. By A&E, I mean acceptance and empathy. Transitioning to a new school, where she will not know many people, is daunting, so her feelings are congruent.

This means you can accept her worry and empathise with her. Say: ‘Starting a new school without familiar people around you is a worry. I understand how you are feeling. What can I do to help you with this feeling?’

She may have an idea or simply shrug. Sit with her before you reframe or suggest a solution, so she knows she is not alone with her feelings and can bring them to you when needed. Then you might suggest she play basketball (or whatever) in your new school. You could ask: ‘Would it help if I found a summer camp where you might meet new friends who are also interested in it?’

She may only need emotional and physical support from you. So listen with an open and empathic ear, provide nurture and support, and get her engaged in activities beyond her typical school peer group this summer so she has experiences of entering new groups and developing new connections before starting school.

If you can be available to her for the first two weeks of school (at the start and end of each school day) to check in, listen, and provide a needed hug or hot chocolate, that will also help. Ensure you also have support as you will likely feel worried for or about her starting this new school. So plan to meet friends for coffee and a walk during that first week or two.

Practise the route to the new school during the summer so that it is familiar to her.

When she starts school, ask positive questions: ‘What made you smile today? What new subject do you like best so far? And allow space for the tricky stuff: ‘If you could change one thing about today what would it be?’

Be positive about the new school, but not over the top, as you want her to see the good without closing down the space to exhale her worries.

Transitions are hard, so give her time to settle in and adjust.

If she is still struggling to settle by the October midterm, connect with her year head and share your concerns and how long it has taken for her to find her fit in school and explore any supports the school can provide.

• If you have a question for Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to parenting@examiner.ie