Colman Noctor: Children's violence towards parents is not acceptable

Rise in child aggression

I believe the notable increase in child-to-parent aggression is symptomatic of a pervasive swell of aggression that has evolved in recent years. Retailers will anecdotally comment that customers have been more aggressive since the pandemic. American physician Dr Aderonke Pederson concurs with this observation, saying she sees more pent-up tension and emotions in the form of road-rage incidents, more aggressive behaviour on airline flights and an increase in hostility at sporting events among fans. Also, in a recent article in the Frontiers of Psychiatry, researchers reported that episodes of interpersonal conflict, hostility and cyberbullying have risen sharply in the past three years, adding that the young people who experienced the pandemic and quarantine are showing considerably more aggressive behaviours than pre-pandemic levels.

From an Irish context, the current levels of frustration and hostility may be explained by the accumulated tension that evolved whilst people felt cooped up during the pandemic lockdowns, and rising inflation and housing pressures, which place many families under severe pressure. While some might point out these issues do not directly impact young people, children are acutely aware of the dynamics at home, and many are undoubtedly affected by them.

I repeatedly hear young children express their worries about their family financial issues and other wider issues like the climate crisis, which suggests they may take on far more concerns than we realise.

However, the pandemic and growing inflation do not fully explain child-to-parent violence as the phenomena far pre-dates March 2020. Other theories include increased exposure to violent viewing content through online exposure, a rise in overly lenient parenting approaches which give children too much authority, and emotional and behavioural issues which can lead to explosive tempers and volatile temperaments.

Whatever the reason, managing or responding to child violence is complex.

We need to understand teenagers’ struggles and the stresses they are under, but that does not mean that all acting-out behaviours must be tolerated. Quite the opposite. We need to sanction and discipline maladaptive behaviours and nip them in the bud from the start.

Aggression can be explained but not excused.

Parents must be clear about what will be tolerated and not tolerated when their children express frustration. No parent should put up with being threatened or live in fear of their child. If there are any signs of this occurring, there is an onus on those involved to try everything possible to resolve it - informing the authorities may be part of that response.

Safety first

Feeling safe in your own home is a basic human right — regardless of the perpetrator, tolerance is not the way to go. Be clear you understand the issues your teenager is experiencing, and let them know you will support them in any way you can. However, that does not involve condoning violence or aggression at a level that compromises your sense of safety.

While tackling their aggression will be one of the most challenging things you will ever do as a parent, it may also be the most important thing you do to prevent your child from developing a pattern of reacting that could result in them getting into serious trouble in the future.

Though being a parent who is fearful of their child is a lonely position, it is critical not to despair.  

Parentline runs the ‘non-violent resistance programme’, which empowers parents to deal with and take positive action. The programme works to change parents’ reactions to their child’s challenging behaviour and reminds them that while childhood is a finite thing, childhood can also last a lifetime.

To give children the best chance at a successful adulthood, they need to reach it as safely and securely as possible. Sometimes young people’s aggression needs to be contained for their and their parent’s safety. Having a sense of having too much power in a family can be paradoxically unnerving.

It is crucial parents seek all the support they can to manage these situations to get to a place where the family can function without fear or threat.

Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist