Colman Noctor: It's not smart to let kids control their phones
Pic: Istock
Child Psychotherapist
A FIRST smartphone is a highlight in a child’s life. However, the early stages of ownership must be carefully managed if they are to develop a healthy relationship with technology.
It may be helpful to look at the child’s technology usage as you look at their diet. We all strive for our children to have a healthy, nutritious diet and do our best to encourage, regulate and influence their dietary choices. Most children are not sufficiently mature to regulate these choices and, if it was left up to them, would probably choose junk food and toast. For this reason, parents need to take control of their children’s food choices, offering more autonomy as they get older.
There is no denying that some technological advances have been ‘good’ and revolutionised our lives. Technology undoubtedly has many benefits, when we consider recent advances in medical treatments, banking, and booking a flight from the comfort of our armchairs. Some would add the internet allows a child access to the most extensive library in the world, but the free-for-all search engine is the librarian that decides what they should see. Also, the cesspit of social-media bullying, email scams, access to content without age verification and cyberattacks are all causes for concern, not to mention the influence of algorithm manipulation.
The world wide web has become a core part of our lives, so the best we can do is strive to help our children identify good and bad usage of technology — like their understanding of healthy and less healthy food — and regulate their lives accordingly. The National Parents’ Council’s document on internet safety says this goal is more likely to be achieved through a strong and open relationship with your child, instead of a robust parental control application on their device. The focus should be on teaching children to make good decisions rather than trying to control them.
Learning to choose wisely
Investing in your child’s emotional intelligence is one of the most protective steps you can take and will pay significant dividends. Teaching young people to prioritise what is essential and what is not, so they can choose sensible options over reckless ones, prepares them to navigate the world with as much wisdom as their developmental progress allows.
Without foundational wisdom, their choices are likely to be open to being influenced by the values of the online world, leading to problematic views and behaviours. The internet will test a child’s ability to make sensible decisions independent of parental guidance as it is largely an unregulated space that can provide children with more autonomy than they are able for.
When your child does something online that they shouldn’t, such as engage in a contentious exchange with a peer or access content unsuitable for their level of immaturity, it usually happens away from parental supervision. Therefore, you need to be the inner voice in their head, pointing them in the right direction. Like the notion of the technological diet, the child needs a balance of online and offline experiences to make the right choices. It is up to the adults in their lives to provide them with opportunities to be role models and learn how to make sensible and wise decisions. Instead of stepping back when our child gets their first smartphone, parents need to step in.
We need to take an active role in coaching children to make difficult online choices, like who they should include in their online networks and conduct themselves online in a manner that does not compromise their integrity, safety or reputation. Most 12-year-olds do not have the cognitive, social or emotional maturity to make wise self-regulatory decisions or discern what they need instead of what they want, but the proliferation of smart technologies means we have to prepare them as best we can.
The allure of the online world is huge, and although it is unfair to expect children to be able to exercise the self-discipline required in the online world, we need to do our best to develop these skills as early as possible. Children are not fighting with their parents because they are unwilling to regulate their screen usage — they are fighting with their parents because they cannot do it alone.
Handing a child a smart device that is designed to hack their attention, and expecting them to exercise self-discipline, is unfair. The tech industry has spent millions of dollars devising ways to manipulate users’ attention, so expecting a 12-year-old to counter that power is unreasonable. Children need help navigating the online world, and parents are responsible for providing that support.
Gorging on technology
Technology companies are not interested in the well-being of our children in the same way that the confectionary industry is not interested in tackling childhood obesity. Expecting a child to self-regulate online is like asking them to eat healthily while surrounded by sweets and treats their peers are gorging on. The request is unfair as the odds are not stacked in their favour. This is why arguments over technology usage are inevitable because the hardware is set up to maximise the users’ time on screen.
There is little hope that the tech companies will decide to change their ethos —therefore, the responsibility lies with the adults in the child’s life to try to counter the draw of technology. The focus needs to be on the child, not the technology. While parental control and privacy settings can help us manage their exposure, self-regulation is the most critical aspect of their safety. But this is a tall order and beyond many children.
I predict we will look back on this era and ask: ‘What the hell were we thinking?’ Introducing a child who cannot self-regulate to a world that thrives on dysregulation puts them at risk. However, keeping our children offline until they are ready to manage it may be virtually impossible, as the precedent has been set by other parents who have allowed their children to have smartphones. And depriving your child of a smartphone may make it difficult for them to maintain communication with their peers.
The most we can do is to prepare our children to navigate this world as best they can through our support, approachability and involvement.
A study by the Carnegie Institute of Technology in 2021 found that emotional intelligence is directly linked with successful online relationships, with 85% being due to “human engineering” skills, like personality, awareness and communication skills, and only 15% due to technical capability. The breakdown regarding children’s safety online is similar.
We have a critical role in helping our children develop healthy relationships with technology. There is no app for your lap, and there is no parenting control application that can substitute for actual parenting.
- Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist